I am spirling out of control

Its almost 10 and I feel tired but, don't think I could sleep. Too many thoughts and feelings are swirling around. These are just some of them...
* Sadness
* Anxiety
* Anger
* Tired
* Scared
They are all making it hard to live. Because I feel like I am failing at being an adult. Failing at life and failing myself. Growing up I always felt like I knew what I was doing or had a sense of direction. I knew the college I wanted to go to and what I wanted to do with my life. Now I know my career path but, I don't know if I will make it. I can hardly tell who I am as a person. Now I'm unsure. I am constantly changing. Yet I am too busy or sad and lazy to get to know myself. That to me is scary. I am unsure if I will be able to live by myself. What if I get overwhelmed? What if I get a panic attack? 
That is another thing. My anxiety is getting much much worse. Yet I am getting really good at faking being happy with myself and where I am. Yes, I am trying to better my situation. Like to acquire a second job and find an apartment.  But, each day is harder than the last. Mentally hard.
I am going to get real for a second here and I will put a trigger warning here.
Most days I have a couple thoughts. 1. Why am I here? 2. I want to die. And 3. kill me. I don't know what I have these thoughts. They only have seemed to appear in the last couple of months. Oh and I have the thought " I hate myself"
Which is true I have hated myself for years. Hated my body. Hated that I am not smart enough. Feeling like I will never be good enough in life.

I am trying though. Trying to tell myself everything will be okay and we can get through this. Because we can. I just seem to be having a hard time at this moment in life. Just have to keep going.

Getting my life together

So yesterday I was home alone for a little while and I started thinking. I need to start making friends and gong out hand hanging with them. I need to start going out and going to like an art museum or something. Because while being alone is nice doing things alone outside the house is also nice.
I also need to get back into my studies. I fell into a depressed state and didn't do it in a month. This month is all about exploring and finding myself again. I am already getting back into crocheting and reading. I am also working on watching movies more. Especially the classics like Funny face and Gone with the wind. I downloaded the kindle app on my phone so I can start reading again. I will also be going and getting my library card soon so I can read actual books instead of just my phone. Too much screen time gives me a headache.
I made a list of things I want to try to do and see. Either alone or with a friend.
  Mostly this year is to just reinvent/be myself. I feel that going out will help with my anxiety and make feel like I can do anything and go almost anywhere.
While I am scared of what life is going to bring me I am also excited as well.
I know with my job I can talk with people now and hold a conversation. Which is good for me.
Because I was not able to do that before. So far this year and last couple of months last year I have grown a bit and am a bit more comfortable being myself.
This post feels like it's all over the place. Sorry about that.