Life is a rollercoaster

 Can I please get a break? Like every time I think life will be okay, I am wrong. So much is happening. I need to get a new job. I also had to cut people out of my life who said that they would be there for me. That has been the most difficult change of all. I used to talk to them every day and now I can't. They want nothing to do with me anymore. I cry on and off because they used to be such a big part of my life. It is so weird that they are not here anymore. 

But that is life, right? It is one big constant change always changing. Some people say that is what makes life fun. I am unsure if that is how I feel about it. But I keep going because who else will continue? Only I can keep going. For myself. I still have everyone else. 7 billion people on the planet and there is always someone. Someone who can be the next new best friend is always there ya know? I hope things get better. I feel so exhausted mentally as always. But, I still can't stop moving. Like a shark constantly moving. I keep writing down words of affirmation. So far it has worked for making new friends. I have met a few new people in the last month. I will say I am happy to meet new people ya know? 

Being away from them is helping me to learn more about myself. Mostly I have learned I am so burnt out from surviving most of my life. I have learned more positive stuff about myself. I am scared but I am brave. I am a kind person. I do really enjoy exploring. I also need to learn to be okay with being alone. That has been the biggest one to learn. In doing all this I have found out I don't take anything from people. I won't let them bully me or speak ill about me. A lot of character development has happened in the past year and a half. I don't regret much. Mostly not reaching out to an old friend sooner. 

So with all that being said I am still here. Still going. Still learning more about life.  So many new people to meet and connect with. I can't wait to see how this life turns out. 

recess I’m tired

​I’m really tired. Like mentally tired. I also feel kinda angry. Will this feeling ever go away? Will I be stuck feeling this way forever? All these emotions make me feel like I’m insane. Between figuring out how I feel and just everyday stuff. It makes me so tired. 

Like making a life for myself alone. I feel so alone everyday. I don’t know where to go so I stay home. I feel like I wasted my 20s trying to survive. Now I’m still surviving but surviving alone. Which makes me feel bad because there are worse things going on. I should be doing something to help. Does this make me selfish? Am I a bad person? 

When asked what would make me feel better. I just think about wanting to be held. To be told everything will be okay. To be tucked in and be told to rest. I just want to be a child again.              I would be good. I’d do as I’m told. I’ll clean up after myself. I just want my childhood back. I don’t want to be an adult. I’m tired. I’m tired please I’m tired. 

The next Great Depression

​Looks like the Great Depression is back again. History does repeat itself apparently. 

My goals for the year

 So it's been a while since I have last posted. I have been doing alright for the most part. I have been applying to more jobs and looking at apartments. This year I am only focusing on three things. Those things are a New job, a New place to live, and my license. The license part might be the less difficult thing. But, I will do my best to make it happen. This is the year Nugget will be happy. 

I will love myself and do whatever I can to make myself happy. I am going to finally going to be at peace. Letting go of toxic people and jobs. Learn to meditate basically, I will be very hippy-like. I am scared but excited about what is to come this year. Scared because last year was really bad. It sucked. I spent a lot of last year hating myself and wishing for the end to come. I couldn't bear it at all. This year will be different. Way way different. I am going to be setting a reminder on my phone to start posting more on here. I will try to bring you along on this journey of self-love and happiness. That sounded so cringe but whatever lol   So check in to stay updated on this I guess. 

New Year New Me

​This past year was probably one of the worst years ever. So much went wrong. Well not the way I planned at least. So much was unexpected. There was only a few times that were happy memories. 

This year is gonna be different. Why? Because I’m putting myself first for once. I’m doing what I need to do to make my life better. I’m going to move into an apartment I can actually afford and get a new job. I’m going to do what I want. This is the year I get my life together. I want to be happy so bad. So I’m going to do what I can to make that happen. I might even marry myself.