Afternoon and coffee spoons

Life lately has felt so overwhelming. I hardly know how to go about life. When I think I know what I am doing my mind then turns on me. I wish to understand what I am supposed to do? What exactly is my purpose? The more I exist the more I wish to just end things. Yet I don't. Because I am alive therefore I have some sort of understanding and purpose. 

So I cook and bake and apply to jobs. And I get nothing in return. But, I am still here. I drink and drink to fill the hole in my soul. The bittersweet memories of longing. Longing to be someone something. 

Yet here I am on my 9th cup of wine. Hating who I am. Surely I am of a deeper meaning. Or is this just a drunken rant? Who is to say? 

All I know is I wont ever be the same. Evolving and changing. Morphing I to someone I hardly recognize. Am I good or bad or in-between? I will never know. Eating and eating like the caterpillar we all know. Metamorphosis changing but hardly. Looking on the inside in. I mourn who I am who I never will become. Tragedy is all I will ever know.