As lost as Alice

I feel like Alice when she is talking with the blue caterpillar. When he says "Who R U?" and she replies with. "I hardly know sir for you see I have changed so much today as I do not know myself"

I have changed so much since this time last year that I don't know who I am. And you could consider it the be a crisis.

But, I'm not going to go am buy frivolous things. For they are just things.

Instead its more like posing as different people. Like I have a personality disorder. I have gone through so many different styles that looking back. I don't reconise.

Like when Alice changes from one size to another. Its all confusing. And even though I don't have people asking "Who R U?" I am asking myself that. And I don't know. I really don't. It is a rollercoaster ride. And I go around in my head. With go with what you like and love. But, even as I do that I feel like a poser. Always pretending. 😒

Like honestly how can one overcome this feeling? How?

That's what I want to figure out but don't know where to start.

Another thing to add to that list of what makes me feel like a gypsy in wonderland.

The feeling of no home and no identity.

I honestly hope all this makes sense. For I don't know how to go about explaining any other way.

  All I know right now is that I have put so much pressure on who I am. I just hope I am able to find out who I am.

Gypsy life

You know feeling like a gypsy is nice. You get to feel free. I do feel free. The only thing is trying to find that feeling of home to make the world your home. I have yet to find that feeling of home. Because its not a place for me. Home is a feeling of comfort and happiness.

For the most part I just feel at ease. Like life is what it is.  Yes I get days where I am depressed. But its mostly where ever life want s to take me I'm cool. ☺

My journey so far as been interesting. I wouldn't change a thing though. For I have grown wiser. I know things I did not know a year before. I am very happy with who I am now. I am focusing more on me this year. I need to love myself more. I have not been doing that. 😞

So I am working on going to bed a little earlier and going for walks more. For there is only one me.

I was looking back at some photos recently. And I saw a picture of me from like 2 years ago. I look different then who I was before. I look different and feel different. Like I have lost some weight. And mentally I just feel better. Another reason to that is i am out of my toxic relationship. As much as I loved him I had to let him go. He drained me. Made me feel so bad about who I was. Please don't take this as a slam. He is a good person. He is now going to school and is focusing on his life. I do wish him well.

Enough about the past its time for now and the future.

😁

Art

Its my way to express myself and let out all my stress. On Instagram I tend to use songs as a caption or a quote. And the reason behind that is because it is what my artwork says and I can't put it to words myself. So I use music and quotes.

My art sometimes takes day to accomplish. Because I tend to start a painting or drawing and then move on to another one. So I'll be working on like 5 paintings at a time. And other times it takes me a couple of minutes to create my work.

It just depends on my mood and coffee intake.

I use painting as a form of therapy for myself. So I can get all my emotions out.

And at the moment there are a whole lot of emotions. Mostly sadness. But I'm getting through.

Just taking it one day at a time. I hope you all like my artwork. 

💖😊

Okay, so there is something that has been on my mind for a while. And that is the fact that society has very high beauty standards. Like they tell you to be different. But when you do they look at you like your fucked up crazy.

Now I have been toying with the idea of shaving my head. I want to see the time lapse of my hair growing. And I think shaved hair like that is really pretty. Not everyone thinks so apparently. 😒

I got asked "how can you feel pretty with your hair being short?"  I dont have an exact awnser I just do. I like having short hair and no eyebrows. I really like that. Just like some people like long hair.

I know I am different I am going to embrace it. Because that's who I am. It took me a while to be able to stand up to that person.

So now I am going to dress to what makes me happy. I am going to shave my head because it makes me happy to change my hair style like that.

And I will say this. Don't let people stop you from being who you are. If you want to dress a certain way go for it. Don't let them stop you. Just be your beautiful self. Or if your a guy your handsome self. 

Love you lovelies 💖

- Wonderland gypsy