Friday night and I have no plans. I'm sitting on my bedroom floor. Wondering what I want to do with the rest of my evening and night.
Maybe blasting music as loudly as I can. Trying to drown out the sound of the silence that has gotten so loud it is driving me crazy.
Maybe paint a picture to express how alone I actually feel deep down inside. The gaping hole that I mask with a smile and an "I'm fine just tired"
Maybe enmurse me in a book. To pretend to be someone else for a change. so I don't have to listen to the thoughts that swirl around in my head at night wondering Who am I?
Or maybe watch a comedy show so I can laugh away the loneliness I feel inside and maybe just for a small while feeling like I am happy for a change. That I'm not falling apart. Wondering if I'll ever be good enough for him.
Its Friday night and I'm sitting drinking my coffee that gets blacker with each sip and colder the longer I try to make it last.
It is now 12 at night and I'm still awake. Wondering how much more I can take being alone with the thoughts in my head. I guess I should try to go to bed.
Friday, April 26, 2019
Monday, April 22, 2019
I'm worthless
That is what my mind tells me every day. That I'm nothing. That no matter how hard I try I'll never be good enough. It is hard to live with me every day not wanting to be me.
Then I thought "wait this is no way to live. Hating myself every day. I need to learn to love myself and accept myself for who I am"
That is hard for me. Almost all my life I have hated who I am. Wishing for parts of me to be different. Thinner, prettier, smaller feet. I just can not live like this anymore. I want to be able to love myself and know that I am enough. That I do not need to change.
I was watching this Youtuber earlier today. She is no one big Yet she inspired me. Her channel is called Char Belacqua. And in the two videos she has, she talks about just living life. Because most of us are not really living life. We scroll on Instagram, Pinterest, and Facebook and compare our lives and only fantasize about the life we want. And that is it. We don't do anything further.
So with Char Belacqua, she went to go live the best life she possibly could. That is what I want to live the best life I possibly can. Because I deserve it. I deserve to live the life I want and I need to just go out there and live it. It is not going to just come to me I have to go to it.
So I'm going to shave my head and start my life over. Giving myself a clean slate. From now onI'm going to live the life I want and take risks. I want to do things that scare me. I need to move on with my life and stop living in the past. So that is just what I am going to do. And I hope you guys go out of your comfort zone and live. Go and live your life to the fullest.
Then I thought "wait this is no way to live. Hating myself every day. I need to learn to love myself and accept myself for who I am"
That is hard for me. Almost all my life I have hated who I am. Wishing for parts of me to be different. Thinner, prettier, smaller feet. I just can not live like this anymore. I want to be able to love myself and know that I am enough. That I do not need to change.
I was watching this Youtuber earlier today. She is no one big Yet she inspired me. Her channel is called Char Belacqua. And in the two videos she has, she talks about just living life. Because most of us are not really living life. We scroll on Instagram, Pinterest, and Facebook and compare our lives and only fantasize about the life we want. And that is it. We don't do anything further.
So with Char Belacqua, she went to go live the best life she possibly could. That is what I want to live the best life I possibly can. Because I deserve it. I deserve to live the life I want and I need to just go out there and live it. It is not going to just come to me I have to go to it.
So I'm going to shave my head and start my life over. Giving myself a clean slate. From now onI'm going to live the life I want and take risks. I want to do things that scare me. I need to move on with my life and stop living in the past. So that is just what I am going to do. And I hope you guys go out of your comfort zone and live. Go and live your life to the fullest.
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
Memories
So this morning when I got up I was greeted by the smell of something baking. I went downstairs and as I entered the kitchen I saw my Mom pulling muffins out of the oven. They were the oatmeal muffins I use to eat as a kid growing up.
Eating one gave me back memories I had forgotten. Of waking up and helping her make them. While still wearing my pj's. Waiting patiently for them to bake so I could eat them. Then once they came out of the oven they would have to cool and I remember waiting and it felt like forever waiting. But, that first bite of the muffin was always amazing. Being warm and soft. While sitting at the table talking with my brothers and sister. Then after getting school done.
My mom would always make a lot of them so we would always have them on hand. I loved them I would eat them as a snack and then for breakfast again the next morning.
Having them first come out of the oven is amazing. I even remember some days I would eat them in front of the TV while watching PBS or qubo. Those were my favorite channels to watch. The show Jacob two was my sisters' favorite show to watch when she was 3.
Since eating that muffin it is like a wave of memories is flooding in. I remember how I felt and how the weather was. or even the exciting things we did that day. And while they are happy memories I feel slightly sad. Because I'm grown up now. Not a kid anymore. But, I need to keep moving forward and make more memories. :)
Eating one gave me back memories I had forgotten. Of waking up and helping her make them. While still wearing my pj's. Waiting patiently for them to bake so I could eat them. Then once they came out of the oven they would have to cool and I remember waiting and it felt like forever waiting. But, that first bite of the muffin was always amazing. Being warm and soft. While sitting at the table talking with my brothers and sister. Then after getting school done.
My mom would always make a lot of them so we would always have them on hand. I loved them I would eat them as a snack and then for breakfast again the next morning.
Having them first come out of the oven is amazing. I even remember some days I would eat them in front of the TV while watching PBS or qubo. Those were my favorite channels to watch. The show Jacob two was my sisters' favorite show to watch when she was 3.
Since eating that muffin it is like a wave of memories is flooding in. I remember how I felt and how the weather was. or even the exciting things we did that day. And while they are happy memories I feel slightly sad. Because I'm grown up now. Not a kid anymore. But, I need to keep moving forward and make more memories. :)
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