Props to the grown-ups

So here is a little bit more about me. I can not adult to save my life. Which funnily enough is what I have to do every day.  Like work at two jobs is hard. props to those who do that. You guys are like superhuman I am telling you. 

Its a bit harder when you can't drive and you don't know how to take the bus. I will be learning that very soon. I just need to grow the balls to actually do it you know? 

I am also learning there is no such thing as sleep. Like what is that? Sounds a bit made up if you ask me. Nothing but coffee and sadness for me. 😂 Got to love that dirty bean water. ( Comment the gamer I stole that from)

So we have that we also have stressed beyond no recognition. Every day is stress. From checking the mail to having to use the register at Whataburger. I am a ball of nerves. 

Then we have the dirty apartment from being too tired to clean it and let's reuse the same dish from my coffee table because I am too tired to wash it. And last but not least I can not cook. I can bake bt cooking forget about it. I can burn and undercooked beans and pancakes. So definitely not wifey material. 

So boys know that I just might fuck up your sandwich. 

So yea I would say that adulthood is really freaking hard and I am a hot mess. I may look put together but, I assure you I am drinking 3-day old coffee and crying in the shower because why the hell not. Life is too shot to drink fresh coffee and not have a daily cry. 

 Someone told me a few days ago that my theme song is the song by Paramore that is called Ain't it fun. It goes Ain't it fun

Living in the real world?
Ain't it good
Being all alone?
Ain't it good to be on your own?

And yea that is my theme song. I also see why people drink. You can not live in this world sober. So cheers and hopefully I get better at this. 🍻🎆

The world is challanging me

While I have a job I am still worried about next month's rent. One of the few good things is I do have a job for this Wednesday. I hope I get it. I need anything right now. I am will to really work for it. Right now Whataburger is all I have. It does not pay that much. Because of it, I am pretty stressed out. Money is always a problem I am seeing. 

I am also seeing myself going through a mid-life crisis at the age of 22. I am freaking out about what I want to do with my life. I am scared about the future because it is so money based. And I feel like there will never be a time where I am not so stressed anymore. Stressing and worrying and depression is all I know now. I am really hoping and praying that I get that job at Cracker-barrel. I can not take the stress anymore. 

I have been killing myself

I am so tired of being tired and anxious all the time. All I do is stress over everything. I am doing what I can in life with job hunting and such. It's all I can do is do the best I can. Yet because I feel so compelled to be this perfectionist it makes my anxiety worse. 

And most of all I am sick of being scared of the unknown. I don't want to be scared of the unknown anymore. I want to explore the unknown. Because it can go good. It can help you be stronger as a person by learning from your mistakes. 

I have been giving up on myself because I am scared of change. Scared of the unknown. but, if I keep going and keep at it I can do great things for myself. 

So this is what I am going to do. I am going to build a routine for myself. morning and night. I am going to change my thinking habits. I do have this. I am going to do my best to be the best I can be for me.

Because I want to be able to do great things in life. 

I am not sure if any of this made any sense or if  I was just word vomiting. But, yeah time to make some changes. I have been giving up on myself. Been without realizing till this week that I have been being self-destructive to myself. By not getting enough sleep. Not getting enough water and not eating the best. This being not eating enough or actual meals. So it is time to take better care of myself and see what happens.