New year pt.1

Its weird that in only a certain amount of hours it will be next year. I'm a little sad to see this year end. Because of all the memories I have made. But, the new year is also very exciting. For me it give a new life. Like I can renew myself. I can change everything and make a whole new me. Its like killing my old self every year. Its evolving yourself. I know I sound like a broken record. But, I'm fascinated by it.

  And next year I can become a new me. Who will I be next? What will I look like? Will I finally snap and be a bitch? Or will I change my appearance? Be blonde or have red hair? I may never know till the end of next year. I enjoy changing. I enjoy searching for what is lost in myself. Trying to find myself. And the first thing is getting a job, Save money. I don't have a certain amount. I just know I need to save.
   I'm sorry its been taking me a while to write another post. The holidays as they are to most people are a crazy time. Full of family. Which is what we did. Bringing the family together for new years.
And at this moment I'm sitting on the couch drinking my once was hot coffee. While the real adults talk to one another. Most of which I can't understand. Because they are talking in spanish. But, What is nice about it is that its comforting.
Family is comforting.
 I don't really have much to say today. I'll try and blog a couple more posts today. Telling you guys What I am doing. It probably won't be as exciting as most people blog or vlog about but, its something.

21

Yesterday was my birthday. It was so much fun. For breakfast my mom made Drop Danish. Do you guys remember those? those are the freakin bomb. With strawberry jam and glazed drizzled over them. Like OMG 😍 They are the best ever. Then after breakfast. I spent the morning spending time with my mom. We did our makeup and nails.
 Around 4 we went and got coffee. Which if you know me I got the Christmas blend. Well my mom got me the Christmas blend. Which is super yummy.⛾ I love coffee. And the mall was super pretty this time of year. There was a big Christmas tree. 🎄 With a mall Santa taking pictures with kids.
We then went inside Old navy. It was crowded because of it being 5 days till Christmas. If you count today 4. Which my little sister is excited about. Then I looked around Hot Topic. Like I love that store. I saw a whole bunch of stuff. a pastel purple mesh baby doll dress. Galaxy themed see through cardigan and lots of other really cute clothing. After looking in there. We all went to village Inn. I love that place they have really yummy food. And I got to spend it with my family. After dinner we all headed back home.
The cake was amazing as well. It was a spice cake with cream cheese frosting. My mom made extra. I ate that for lunch. Today was a big empty calorie day. Then after the cake we all watched Krumpus. And I drank my first drink. It was a green apple kind of beverage. I forget the name. But I do know that it was good. By the time we watched Krumpus it was past mid night. That's when I went to bed. It was a really good day. I got to spend it with my family and I'm happy about that. I had a fun day.
 As for how it feels to be 21. It does feel different. Like to me I feel like even more of an adult. And its a little sad growing up to me. It feels like I truly did grow up fast. Yet its exciting. I'm a little excited to see how everything turns out. Like my life and all that.
 Here's to growing up 🍻

I fear my birthday

So my birthday is this Thursday. And I am not really that excited. I could say that I'm looking forward to it. But, I'm not.  I haven't looked forward to my birthday since I was 13 years old. After that not so much. So every year around this time I get depressed. I feel so bad because my boyfriend is looking forward to it. He is so cute.
So my mom will ask what is it I would like to do for my birthday or you know stuff like that. I tell I'm not sure I haven't really thought about it.
And the reason as to why I don't like my birthday. Is because I am scared. I don't know what to expect. I have a fear of the unknown. Just like I don't like the new year. Because of the unknown. I know change is a part of life. But, I have a hard time with change. I will do my best to adapt to change but I get in a weird mood. Just like everyday this week.
I am a little excited though. Because come on I'll be turning 21 and I can drink legally. And my mom is making drop danish. I fluffin love drop danish. that's an up. But other then that. I get drepressed.
I feel bad about how I feel. Because my little sister is counting down till my birthday and my boyfriend.
I am trying to be excited. I'm trying. Hopefully I can get over being depressed about my birthday. Because it's not fun and everyone finds it weird.
Hopefully in the next post I'll have something more cheery to talk about.

Coffee in the afternoon

 So I'm currently sitting on the floor of my bedroom and drinking coffee. I'm trying to figure out what to type and I can't. I have been going about this wrong. I am trying so hard to be perfect that I can not get anything up on time. I was suppose to get this post up yesterday but being perfect held me back and a whole lot of procrastination. I am bad at that. Like my mom will ask me to do something and I will always say I'll do it later then I don't. so fast forward to 5 days later and it still has yet to be done. Or I get distracted. This happens a lot. Even when I'm messaging with someone I will get distracted with a notification on my phone or cleaning something and totally forget to text back.
I'm trying to get better at it though. Like I'll think to myself that if I get it done now I won't have to do it later.
Like I keep doing with this blog post. I keep putting this off because I have no idea on what to even talk about. So This week end that is what I will be researching. Yes I will be researching what to talk about. I'm that kind of person.
Writing in my journal is easier to do then this. I have no idea as to why. But, I am trying. I did say I would post more so that is what I am going to do.
So as I have been trying to blog these past couple of days I have been listening to Twenty-one pilots and they are my favorite band at the moment. Favorite song by them is Lane boy. My favorite band changes month to month or week to week. Cause that's part of what I do.
 Basically all I'm doing is rambling which is why I gave on on having a YouTube channel. Because I would keep talking or would not talk enough and it would be almost an hour long video of nothing. So I'm just going to leaving Vlogging to the people who know what they are doing. And its why my Instagram channel is dead. The last time I did a video was to say that I was done with YouTube and deleting all my content. Which one day i might go back to. Maybe. So I have wasted most of today on YouTube anyways trying to get ideas. Sadly I have none so far.
So this is all for now with my boring blog. I will do my best to make the next post more interesting.

New year bucket list

New years is in a couple of weeks. I have been doing a lot of thinking about that. Like the tradition of new years resolution. That most people keep for like a week or so then quit.
 I won't be doing that. My new years resolution is to become a better version of myself. To be more out there and not really give a fuck. I'm bring back YOLO.
This year I have a list of things I want to do while being 21. I want to love, laugh, and live. Corny I know but, its what I want to do. This year I could have lived more but, I didn't I worried and wollowed in my own depression. I took comfort in my sadness. I kept telling myself I would never be anything. Most of those thoughts were already there. And some were planted by old friends.
This year will be different. You only live once. So I might as well make it count.
Now I already chopped off all my hair so that's out but, I can grow it out or give myself a mohawk. A hair style that I have always wanted to do.
  I'm killing my old self to work on my new self.

So here are the things I want to do in 2019.
1. Getting my licence Yes I will be 21 and i have yet to get it yet. But I have been learning all I can about driving. Everyone learns at their own pace. 2. Do a new hair style. Like a mohawk and dying my hair a new color. 3. Learn a new language. Maybe sign language or maybe spanish.
4. Meet new friends. 5. Be more active on here. 6. be more active in real life. Eating more healthy and working out more. 7. Up my wardrobe style. 8. Work on my art more.

There is so much I have planned for this up coming year. And also I will doing a blog post 1 to 2x a week. I can't really do every other day I run out of stuff to talk about.
So stay tuned every Monday and Thursday for new posts.
Yes I will be making YOLO a thing again. Get use to it. lol

Killing your old self

You know what's more freeing then killing yourself? Running away to a small town and getting a job as a waitress. Buying a cheap car and sticking a bed in the back and driving southwest. Adopting a cat. Learning a new intrument or language. Moving apartments. Visiting relatives or friends. Chopping off all your hair.

You can kill your current self without dying. You can kill this version of you and make a new one. Maybe I'm just a bipolar sucker for rebirth but, sometimes that thought is all that keeps me alive.
To change myself and become a newer version.