Empty

Depression its something that has been amplified since I have been living on my own. And the coronavirus is not doing it any justice.  With social distancing and making it hard to job hunt. Not to mention that you are not able to friends and family as much. So it has me depressed. Today is one of those days. I am going, to be honest with you all I have cried a couple times. I am not sure if its stress that has me this way or the lack of human contact. 

So much is going on. So many emotions are flowing through me. depression, scared and stressed. I have lost the joy in coffee. I don't drink it as much anymore. Or when I do I just don't want it anymore. My apartment has been messy because I can not find the energy nor motivation to clean it. So the dishes pile in the sink and my bedding has migrated to the couch. I basically live on my couch now. I don't sleep as well as I use to. I wake up a few times every night. I am unsure of what to even do. I am talking to a counselor But, I will be unable to keep talking to her. Money is getting pretty tight. And I still need that second job.   

People say "It gets worse before it gets better" I just hope it gets better soon. I am going to be real with you I am starting to lose faith that things will get better. I have a hard time believing it will get better. Only time will tell. 

I am sorry to have this post be so dark. It is just some things I have been thing about and are going through. 

I almost feel empty in some way. Whenever I get like this I feel this empty feeling in my chest. Like something is missing. I am unsure as to what it is. And that is when I start to cry and just lay there on the couch until I make myself go for a walk or take a shower if I truly don't want to go outside. I hope this feeling goes away soon. I really do. 

Seeing a little progress in life

So I do have a job. I am working in fast food again. I am enjoying it. I do still need a second job though. Things are a bit tough. It is okay though. I know I will be able to pull through. It is going to take a lot of dedication and willingness. I have a job interview for this Saturday. It is for a dine-in restaurant. Most restaurants are opening back up. Which is good because that means just a bit more job opportunities. 

 I am also learning as much as I need another job I also need to relax a bit and enjoy myself. That is just as important. I have been getting very very stressed out lately. Due to financial problems. I need to keep reminding myself that things are going to be okay and to just keep doing what I am doing.  

I am really applying myself and calling them to schedule an interview. 

I do think in the future I want to start selling my art. Painting and crafting are what helps me distress a bit. They are relaxing and I can put my focus into it.  I'm really starting to find myself again. like the things that make me happy. Another thing I do that helps to relax me is crocheting. I'm working on a blanket for my boyfriend for when he gets back. He has seen it already and he is loving how it is looking. I really can not wait to give it to him. A lot of love is going into it. I mean a lot. 

There are still some things I would like to work on and that is getting myself into a routine. I already have part of a routine down and that is taking my vitamins and getting some water in. I have cut back on my coffee intake. So now I am only drinking a cup a day or every other day depending on the week. That is basically what I have been up to. Just really trying in life. Giving it my all. 

Finding myself

I'm going to reinvent myself. Dye my hair, get that job, and save all my money. I'm going to start selling my art. And be more creative than I have ever been. 

I want to change myself. To whom I am not sure. I just don't want to be this sad person anymore. I don't want to sit here every day and stare into nothing. Thinking about how everything feels like it's falling apart. And I'm still am not sure what my purpose is in life. 

I don't know what I want to do because what I want changes all the time. 

I am even trying to learn about auto mechanics. Watching videos on that. because I am very interested in that. Its never too late to learn about things. 

I just don't want to be this sad person anymore. So I'm going to do what I can to change that. To figure out another side of me. 

I need to vent

Life has taken a huge turn for the worst. At least that is how it feels. Right now I'm unemployed and am dealing with a lot mentally. Mostly with depression and anxiety. Depression being the bigger of the two. I am seeing not a therapist but a counselor. She has been helping with all that she can.
I'm still job-hunting but,  it is taking a lot out of me. I start to feel like I'm not getting anywhere and that is a bit frustrating. Because all that I can do is apply and call to make an interview. I don't have control over whether they are hiring right now or not. I am trying to remember that and am trying to keep a positive outlook on things.
On top of all that things are getting a bit lonely with everyone being inside all the time. For a short time last week, I didn't feel lonely. A friend of mine found a stray kitten under her porch and gave her to me because she knew I wanted a kitty. So for a short while, I had a pet. She was the greatest. I named her Dinah after the kitten in Alice In Wonderland.  She was 3 weeks old. Her mom abandoned her. So I became her mom. I did my best to take care of her. Now she was sick. I didn't know until it was too late. She passed a few days later. I took it hard. I loved that kitten. I am still sad. That has made this past week hard. I miss her so much.
Every day seems to get harder and harder. I feel like I am spirling.

Thank you to the person who left a comment on the last post. ❤