Moving and Anxiety

I am so exhausted. Next week I am going to be paying rent for my new place. I am super excited a nervous about all this.  So much change has happened this year. I am not a person that likes change. I like things to stay the same. Like a routine. Something that is the same. I like to know what to expect. And with so many curve balls it's stressing me out so much. I never know what is going to happen next. It scares me. I am very scared. 

As scared as I am I am very proud of myself and how far I am going. It may not be what other people want and I know I have disappointed a few with my choices. But, I don't regret quitting that call center job. Because I now am at a job that I very much enjoy. I do enjoy cleaning. It is the most relaxing part of my day. I hardly get to interact with the people there.  And I am good at it. 

I hope things start to ook up soon.

UNKOWN

I want to go home. I wish I knew where home was. I know a home is what you make it. But, I have moved so much I am unsure as to what a home is anymore. I miss being around family. I miss having people to come home to. I miss having people to talk to. I miss going and doing fun things with them. I don't go anywhere or do anything fun anymore. I stay in my apartment and wonder how to make this place home. 

At first, I thought it was because I didn't have couches. But, I then got couches and it still did not feel like home. Maybe if I made meals for myself. Nope not it either. Watch movies and live TV? Nope. I still don't know what it is. 

I can hardly sleep since I feel I have to be on guard all the time. I go on walks and those feel more like home. I found out I actually dread having to go back to this apartment. I am unsure why. I guess because I am alone with my thoughts. 

That's the funny thing. Everyone says I need to keep myself distracted to not get stuck in my head. I shouldn't have to do that. I should be able to be okay with the silence without thinking of suicidal thoughts. Right? 

I don't feel at home. Not in this apartment and not even in my own skin. 

I WANT TO GO HOME!!!

Show and Tell

Disappointment. Something I have always felt I was and still am. 

I don't make a lot of money and doing things are hard by myself. I am trying as hard as I can. I am working on getting a better job to make money to support myself. I am working on getting another place that I can afford.  All without driving because even though I am 22 I don't know-how. It's not because I don't want to its because I never got a chance in the past to try to learn. 

No, I am not taking the bus. I don't really know how to ride the bus either. I walk everywhere and I take the very expensive Uber. 

 Yet that makes me feel like I am a failure same as not having money or a car. people like to point out things like that to me. Or they tell me the popular "When I was your age" That does not help. I get it I am not as successful as you. I am trying to figure everything out. 

 I try to not let it get to me but, it does get to me. Words can hurt no matter how many times I tell myself it does not hurt. But, hey if you lie to yourself enough you will believe it. Right? 

 I am already trying to convince myself that I am strong and independent. It works some days other days not so much. Other days I look in the mirror and cry because I don't have anything together and that I am no good. I hardly have the funds to keep myself alive and keeping rent is a joke. I am flat broke. Every penny goes into rent. That when I spend money on food I feel guilty. 

I get it life is not fair. I get it. Please stop telling me that. Like I said I am trying my best. Will it ever be good enough? Will I ever be good enough? 

Wake me up when this ends

I can not wait until this all ends. The moving and job searching. I can not wait to finally be able to put roots down somewhere. To make a home for myself. To wake up and not dread going to work. Or not dread waking up. 

I can't wait to have stability in my life. To not feel like everything is falling apart. And to not feel like a disappointment to everyone. 

Lately, that is how I have been feeling. I know I know get over yourself. Grow up and that is life. And my favorite Don't be sorry be better. 

 Actually, the list goes on and on. I get told these things all the time. It does not help at all. Instead, it has the opposite effect. I start to just feel numb I guess. 

I want this all to be over now. 

I also really want food. Been living on eggs and rice every day. I miss eating food. Hopefully, in the next two weeks, I can finally go shopping for food. fingers crossed.  

Another chapter in my life

So a new chapter. I have till Wednesday to move out of the place I currently am living. Not being able to drive makes things so much harder. I have most of my stuff packed up. I have a storage unit that I can put them in till I find a place. It is mostly just getting the boxes there. 

Then I need a place to sleep. So I'll have to do something I won't like and that is asking a friend if I can crash on their couch. Hopefully, they say yes.   

A friend of mine taught me something very recently. That is always expect to be disappointed. In other words, don't get your hopes up. That is something that I have been thinking about. And also you can't rely on a lot of people or take their words and promises seriously. They always end up not coming through. Then you are left hurt. That is what is making this harder. Seeing that people will say you can go to them for anything. But, really it's just if you need a hug. Anything else and they tell you to go ask someone else or "Oh sorry that sucks" 

I do feel like giving up. Part of me feels like there is no hope. The other part is really angry with people. So I want to be able to do this. To get a new place and a better job and such. I hope things look up a little bit soon. I am getting tired of crying and stressing. Getting tired of feeling alone and it is just me against the world. 

I want to say though. That there are a few people that have been here for me. A few friends and this one subscriber who has been leaving comments on these posts. It means a lot to know that someone is here and is so kind. Thank you. 

How?

Question. How do you guys do it? Adulting I mean. How are you all living still? Because I feel kinda thrown into this world with no adulting skills. I didn't know about unemployment that I could have applied for until I found the jobs now. I did not know I could apply for food stamps to help out with getting food. I have been eating rice and potatoes for weeks on end. 

 I don't know how to keep myself afloat in the real world. I am learning things the hard way. Please don't hate me and laugh and point telling me welcome to the real world. I am already getting that. 

I never knew stress until now. I never knew why people were depressed about rent. Until now. I never knew any of what I know now till it all came crashing down and I am now trying to hold myself afloat. I have done things I am not proud to admit. I have had to ask people for money. Something I hate doing. 

I see the adults in my feed and I just stare in awe wondering how you all are able to keep yourself afloat. And if you are faking it you are doing so well. 

I know crying solves nothing. But, it's all I have been doing. Then laugh it off if anyone asks about it. I am so tired of pretending everything is fine when it is clearly not. I am still going through. It's all I can do. 

So to all the adults going through shit. You guys are awesome. You really are I admire you guys.