I’m fine

​I’m fine I say when you ask me how I am. Even though every thought is screaming at me that I hate myself and want to go home. I’m fine I say to the people I’m close with because I know once I say I’m sad it’s endless “motivation”. Filled with “You can choose to be happy” or “ You need to drink water and eat good food”Like I haven’t tried that a million times. Knowing it’s not about food, water or a change in scenery. 

It’s more like… I hate my body. I hate how I look fat when I logically know I’m not. I hate my brain. How it distorts things and makes problems feel bigger than they actually are. How it twists the tone of someone’s voice and tells me “It’s your fault they are mad or upset” Or “They don’t actually care about you you know. They only have you here as a place filler till someone better comes along” It’s the constant battle of are my friends really my friends or are they taking pity of the weird girl? 

It’s being sad and crying for no reason at all. It’s going from 0-100 all in a matter of minutes. It’s being a people pleaser. So they don’t leave. It’s making sure they don’t leave me alone by bending over backwards giving 110%. Then expecting nothing in return. 

I don’t like myself so how could they like me? But I can’t just ask that because what if I annoy them with that question? Or make them mad?   So instead I say “I’m fine” 

But then I’m trapped in my own mind isolated by myself. Because I don’t want to hurt them or make them feel bad about me. I’m scared that I’ll come across like a victim. Or make myself look like “poor pitiful me”. So I stick to the silence. Be there for them and make it look like I got my shit together when I’m falling apart. 

I hate myself. Every part of myself. 

I grew a plant in my fridge

​That title is exactly what you think. A few months ago I was doing that EveryPlate subscription thing. And they put garlic bulbs in there. I hate slicing and chopping the garlic so I left it in my fridge. 

Today I found two of those bulbs sprouting. So I bought a bag of dirt. (The dirt here is not for growing stuff) and I planted them. Which was fun. The spring stuff from Dollar General was 50% off. So I got a big bag of dirt for $2.50 and the plastic pots were .50 cents. 

I also got some lights also $2.50. Great deal. Might go buy more of that stuff. 

I named them Harold and Chet. No real reason for the names. I name almost everything. Hoping that I can actually grow it. I’m not one for having a green thumb. I actually kinda suck at growing stuff. But hopefully I can with these. 

Since I got such a big bag of dirt I kinda want to plant more stuff. And have a small garden on my balcony. I just don’t know what would be easy to grow. I’ll keep you posted. 

Main character

​I have no clue if I’m having like a manic episode or what but I feel like I’m a badass today. Like I just feel like I’m the shit. I know it sounds conceded but it’s how I have been feeling. It’s giving main character vibes to me. And I’m all for it. Especially since February I have been in a weird slump. I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything except rot in bed. I still kinda want to rot in bed. But in like a more main character type of way. Almost like I am romanticizing my life. I’m dressing how I want. I’m not caring about what people say. I’m even starting to drink wine again. Not going crazy with it though. 

I’m trying to just have fun with my life. At least for a little while. Because I do want to be happy. I mean actual happy. Like dancing through the streets crazy happy. I haven’t ever been that type of happy before. But I want to make myself that happy. Life sucks a lot. I want to see if I can make it suck less. Maybe even try and make friends. Or try and hang out more with the few I have. Either way I want to try and have fun. And be myself again. Weird, semi creative and myself. Without judgement. 

The void

​I hate being stuck in this void. I don’t know where to go. Or what to do. I don’t even know what will make me happy. All I know is I want to be happy. I want to wake up with a purpose and feel a sense of accomplishment. I want a job that I actually enjoy. With coworkers I like. Aside from the handful I already like. They make the shifts way easier to get through. But that’s another post. 

All I really know right now is that I’m tired. The kind of tired where you can sleep for days but still not have the energy to do things. Including simple human tasks like showering. I didn’t even notice this till the other day. I had a three day weekend due to Labor Day being on Monday. And I didn’t shower. I hadn’t showered since Friday after I got off work. I just laid in bed for two out of three of those days. I still just lay in bed. I get home from work and I shower. Only to go straight to my bed and doom scroll for hours till I am tired enough to sleep. Food has been popcorn, popsicles and ramen. 

Sad thing is I am fine doing that and eating that. I don’t go out because I have no one to go out with. And the few people in my life I feel bad about asking if they do. It’s a weird feeling of I don’t want to bother them. I don’t want to make them feel like they have to. Maybe that feeling has just stuck with me since childhood. When asking people if they wanted to hang felt more like a chore for them rather than actually wanting to go. 

Going alone just makes me feel bad about myself. Like I’m a loser. Maybe I am a loser. 

I need a new hobby

​I need a new hobby. I can’t seem to find anything I enjoy anymore. Reading doesn’t keep my interest. Crochet kinda gets boring after like 30 ish minutes. (Sad about that)

I have tried gaming but it gets tiring after like an hour. I’m sad about all of this. I use to be able to read and paint and do a whole bunch of stuff like that for hours. Now I can’t seem to find joy in anything I do. Even shows that I use to watch all the time are getting kind of old. Depression be ruining everything. 

Maybe I’m just having a hard time being alone. That the loneliness is getting to me. But, shouldn’t that make me want to get a new hobby more? I feel like my only hobby is scrolling social media anymore. I’m trying to cut back on the scrolling by doing other stuff. But, I can’t seem to find something I enjoy doing. 

Having to face being alone is so lonely. Like what do I even do in this situation? Going places just makes me feel lonely. And I get sad because I see everyone else enjoying being with friends or their loved ones and I’m just by myself. Idk what to do at this point. Maybe I should look for my sketch pads and try drawing/ painting again. I’m not good but I use to enjoy it. Idk. 

I am back for the time being and I watched the Barbie movie

 I am back as of right now. I am mostly back because being alone freaking sucks. I need some sort of outlet. I am not a TikTok or Instagram type of person. This is a good way for me to get things out. 

Last night I watched the Barbie movie for the first time. When I tell you I cried I cried ugly ass tears. It was just too relatable and it made me sad and upset. Not because the movie was bad. It was really good. The costume design the set design and the amazing acting. Just hit home a little too deep and I was not expecting that at all. I guess because I have been depressed for a while now it just really made me think about my own life. I don't like thinking about my life because I don't see a future in my life at all. My future is just blank. And that is something I and stereotypical Barbie have in common. The world just feels like a horrible mess I don't know what I am doing with my life and I don't know what I want in life. I just know I am not happy at all. I haven't been happy for a long while and the mask of everything is okay is slipping. I hate that it is slipping. I have always tried my best to just look okay so people don't worry. Because I kept trying to tell myself to fake it till you make it. I have yet to make it. But, I can't seem to fake it anymore no matter how hard I try. Dying my hair or changing how I look just doesn't work for me anymore. I am still depressed scared and anxious. I still feel like I am supposed to have some hold on my life. when I don't. I am still in this alone and it's scary. It's overwhelming and scary. 

Maybe I should have been in a more stable mental state to watch it or something. It had me crying. I hate crying when watching a movie. Makes me feel too vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable. I just hate feeling things. I don't know if that makes any sense. 

But, yeah back for the time being. going to try and post more here because I know a lot of people don't really do blogs anymore. Unless you count Tumblr. 

And as far as that crochet business thing goes not happening right now. maybe in the future after I tackle my mental health I will. But, it is too much for me right now.