The void

​I hate being stuck in this void. I don’t know where to go. Or what to do. I don’t even know what will make me happy. All I know is I want to be happy. I want to wake up with a purpose and feel a sense of accomplishment. I want a job that I actually enjoy. With coworkers I like. Aside from the handful I already like. They make the shifts way easier to get through. But that’s another post. 

All I really know right now is that I’m tired. The kind of tired where you can sleep for days but still not have the energy to do things. Including simple human tasks like showering. I didn’t even notice this till the other day. I had a three day weekend due to Labor Day being on Monday. And I didn’t shower. I hadn’t showered since Friday after I got off work. I just laid in bed for two out of three of those days. I still just lay in bed. I get home from work and I shower. Only to go straight to my bed and doom scroll for hours till I am tired enough to sleep. Food has been popcorn, popsicles and ramen. 

Sad thing is I am fine doing that and eating that. I don’t go out because I have no one to go out with. And the few people in my life I feel bad about asking if they do. It’s a weird feeling of I don’t want to bother them. I don’t want to make them feel like they have to. Maybe that feeling has just stuck with me since childhood. When asking people if they wanted to hang felt more like a chore for them rather than actually wanting to go. 

Going alone just makes me feel bad about myself. Like I’m a loser. Maybe I am a loser.