I am back for the time being and I watched the Barbie movie

 I am back as of right now. I am mostly back because being alone freaking sucks. I need some sort of outlet. I am not a TikTok or Instagram type of person. This is a good way for me to get things out. 

Last night I watched the Barbie movie for the first time. When I tell you I cried I cried ugly ass tears. It was just too relatable and it made me sad and upset. Not because the movie was bad. It was really good. The costume design the set design and the amazing acting. Just hit home a little too deep and I was not expecting that at all. I guess because I have been depressed for a while now it just really made me think about my own life. I don't like thinking about my life because I don't see a future in my life at all. My future is just blank. And that is something I and stereotypical Barbie have in common. The world just feels like a horrible mess I don't know what I am doing with my life and I don't know what I want in life. I just know I am not happy at all. I haven't been happy for a long while and the mask of everything is okay is slipping. I hate that it is slipping. I have always tried my best to just look okay so people don't worry. Because I kept trying to tell myself to fake it till you make it. I have yet to make it. But, I can't seem to fake it anymore no matter how hard I try. Dying my hair or changing how I look just doesn't work for me anymore. I am still depressed scared and anxious. I still feel like I am supposed to have some hold on my life. when I don't. I am still in this alone and it's scary. It's overwhelming and scary. 

Maybe I should have been in a more stable mental state to watch it or something. It had me crying. I hate crying when watching a movie. Makes me feel too vulnerable. I hate being vulnerable. I just hate feeling things. I don't know if that makes any sense. 

But, yeah back for the time being. going to try and post more here because I know a lot of people don't really do blogs anymore. Unless you count Tumblr. 

And as far as that crochet business thing goes not happening right now. maybe in the future after I tackle my mental health I will. But, it is too much for me right now.