My mind is spinning dudes

I want to be real with you guys. I want to share something I have been struggling with for a little while now. I feel maybe if I write it out it might help. So here I go.
  I have been stressed and depressed for a long while now. The depression comes at random times and I get so stuck in my head that it is hard to get out. I always have to have music on to distract myself from myself. Like for example. I was walking to Denny's for a date and I lost my headphones so I did not have any music. That walk felt like it took so long and I started to overthink everything. I was very close to crying. I have not had that in two years.
  I have been overthinking a lot lately. Thinking in deep thought on the stuff I need to get done. Such as saving for my own place, looking for a new job that I can actually support myself on. It is really getting to me. And also schooling. Right now I am going to school for my associate's degree in business management. But, as far as to what I want to do with my life I am unsure. Like baking or going to school, to be a makeup artist and such. I have never felt this level of stress before.
Some days are worse than others I just hope I can make it and figure out what to do.
  And I'm sorry I don't post much on here. I kinda run out of things to talk about. Or I find myself repeating the same topics over and over again. Like a broken record.
Thanks for listening 😊

I am taking a risk

Taking risks. That is something I find hard to do. I want to get better at it. To start doing things that scare me. like telling that cute guy I'm with on how much I really like him. To call up a place and schedule an appointment. To go out and take me out on a date to get to know myself. To say what I actually feel or am thinking. That is something I want to change.
 Because in the end, I don't want to say "what if?" I don't want to kick myself for not buying that shirt I have been wanting or to not say to that guy " Hey I really fucking like you"
I want to be able to grab his hand and kiss him by surprise you know. Or to just go out on a Wednesday night and get a drink by myself.
I don't want to find myself saying "What if?" any more.
So no more overthinking. No more being scared. I am just going to start doing it. And seeing what happens. obviously, I will be smart about most things and not do anything stupid.  Like, buy drugs or stupid stupid shit like that. 
I don't want to be scared and overthink anymore. So hears to doing and not overthinking.

Dating for real this time

So since no one really reads this I am going to turn it into an online diary. So with that being said.
 Now as you know I am currently dating/with someone. And I'm going to confess something.  He is the first guy I have gone out with and things such as that. Even holding hands.
I have never really dated before. Unless you count watching a movie over the phone. Audio only and then hanging up once the movie is over a "date". I do not anymore. I use to.
 So I'm dating this guy and he is super sweet and cute/sexy.  At this moment and time with him, I am finding myself developing feelings for him.  The type of things I am feeling I have never felt before with anyone else. The butterflies in my stomach and the blushing and finding hard to look him in the eye. I have just found out that those feelings are completely normal for one to feel when attracted to someone.
 I found this out when I talked with my Mom about it. Yes, I am 21 and I don't know what it is like to date people or what the feeling for falling for someone is like.  Do I feel embarrassed about it?  Nope, I know people get to experience things sooner or later than other people. Mine happened to be not in my teens. But, rather in my younger adult life. That is something about life that I am happy about yet scared at the exact same time. Because I am just starting out in the adult world. I mean I am looking into my own apartment and living on my own. I have never done that before. And no one knows what they are doing. I need to keep reminding myself of that. I do have this.
Dating, working and soon living on my own.

So its been just a little while since I last made a post here. Well, a lot has happened since I last made a post. For starters, I got a job, cut toxic people out of my life, and am now meeting new friends.  I could not be happier then I am now.
 I didn't realize the harsh impact some people had on me. I didn't see any of it. I had friends tell me that it was not a healthy relationship and my mom as well. But, I didn't listen. I thought I knew what I was doing.
I didn't. It was not till after I got a job and took a step back did I realize that he was no good for me.  That I did not deserve what he would say to me or tell me what I needed to do. I didn't deserve that. Just because he didn't want to have a life of his own did not mean that I didn't deserve one.
  At first, I asked for a small break for a month. After a week of looking over it all at a new angle. I ended it. Of course, he got mad. Then I got to hear what he truly thought about me. He called me names. Then after that, I knew I did the right thing.

Now its been about a month and a half. I feel so much better. I feel free. I don't have to tell them where I am or what I am doing. I can have a life and be me.
I am starting to do what I use to love. Like reading, painting, and dressing the way I want.
 I am going to school to earn my associate's degree in business management. I am going out and hanging out with this really cool guy.  My life is better than it ever was.

so that is what has been up with me since my last post.😀

Update + Baking school

Okay I know I said I was going to post a blog post everyday. Well, you see my laptop died then I kept forgetting to charge it. So here I am now making a post but it is probably late. Okay like three days late. So let me caught you guys up.

So the other day I applied to even more jobs. (Still no interview or anything) And I have been getting into the habit of leaning the kitchen for my mom every morning. It is going well.
This morning I have enrolled in a baking school online and am joining a few baking groups on facebook and maybe Instagram. I am really excited to start.

I figured doing something like that would help me feel more like I'm doing something with my life. With jobs, I'm hoping for a job in a restaurant. To learn how it operates and functions.
I have grown up with my Mom cooking and baking. I mean she can cook and bake. From bread to really yummy dishes that she has made up. Watching her do that my whole life and help her with baking and making dinner has really inspired me to take up cooking and baking.
So this baking school I have enrolled in is called Baker Bettie's Baking school. I started today and it seems like a very grounded school. I will keep you guys updated on what I do and my thoughts on it.
Comment if you want to hear more about it. 😊

Art show

So today nothing particular happened. Just a normal everyday day. With me looking for a job and getting distracted with Youtube. So most of my day was that. Then after I was done with a walking workout I got a flashback or memory of me telling an ex of mine I'm going to be somebody someday. Now it's 2017 when I said this. Now feeling like almost 2020 and I'm still here doing my same old thing.
This is my fault of not going out of my comfort zone and trying to do something with my time and energy. So now I'm going to figure out pay-pal and where to sell my art. Because I need to just start doing it. I need to start making what I want to come true and figure out what I want. 
Tomorrow I start getting on top of it. I have a lot of ideas that are more than just art on canvas. My canvas is actually recycled cereal boxes and cardboard boxes. With paper bags as well. Now I know it is not an ideal type of art but I feel it's pretty nice to have that. To recycle and make art out of it. I am also going to play around with different materials other than paint and markers.
I don't want to give too much away what I'm planning if you know what I mean.

Not related to art but I am seriously stressed about jobs. Like wondering if anyone will hire me. I'm praying and my fingers are crossed that someone hires me. I feel like I have applied everywhere within walking distance. So tomorrow vlog, figure out where to sell my art and try to not be so stressed out.

If you guys like my post please follow my blog 😁❤

Trying to vlog

So today was not very productive. Although I did have an idea. To vlog every day. Even if I don’t post it just vlog. I have seen countless people vlog their lives. And it’s nothing like adventures or anything like that. It’s their life and what they do every day. That had me thinking that I actually can do that. I can vlog. Another thing. It doesn’t have to be like amazing quality. Some YouTubers I watch have thousands of subscribers and use their phone to vlog. So yea going to be trying that tomorrow and just vlog the rest of this week.
I don't know why I want to start doing it. Just like why not you know.

Other then that not much has happened. Well other than the ants that have decided to drop in uninvited. By ants I mean the tiny bugs that bite and steal crumbs from your kitchen. One of them managed to bite me on my butt while I slept. ON MY BUTT!!! Like how rude is that?
Luckily they have packed up and moved out now. At least I hope they have.

Well, hopefully, this post was entertaining to read. Let me know if there is anything I could do better. Or something you would like me to make a video about on my Youtube channel.

Blog every day

So I have been thinking about blogging every day. Bur, having a set time to have it published. Like right before bed talking about what I did during the day and the obstacles I overcame. While I don't do that much worth excitement. I do go through much in my head.  I struggle with always wanting to be perfect. To be the perfect daughter, sister, girlfriend and just overall person. Most days I feel like I have done good in being that. But, other days I feel like I have let everyone down. When people around me get stressed, sad or angry my head tells me it was my fault so I try to everything I can to help them feel better. I do my best to help if I can and when I can't help and they are stressed or upset I feel like I have failed them.
I go through a lot in the mind and I think typing it all out on a platform like this with not that many people reading I'll be able to say what I want to say.
So I'm going to try every day to write a blog post and post it at a time every day. I'm thinking of posting around 9 to 10 or when you see this one.

If you like what I post please feel free to follow my blog for more. Leave a comment as well ❤😊

Lost as Alice

I feel confused. Confused about who I am. When I feel that I might know I get lost again. My thoughts change, style, hobbies. I don't feel like myself. Everything is changing and I'm unsure as to what I should do. 
Things that I use to love I don't anymore. It is like I have lost interest in myself. Like I bore myself with everything. I can't keep my focus on anything and I find myself daydreaming about nothing really but it has me worried. It has only been in the last couple of weeks that I have felt this way or have gone deeper. As I'm in my head all the time it is hard to tell really. Does anyone else get like this? Or is it only me? And if you do how have you been able to overcome it? I'm feeling as lost as Alice here. Nothing is making any sense anymore. I'm sure no one is even reading this.
But, if you are, please comment.

Canceling my subscription to adulting

So these past few weeks I have been doing adult things like applying for jobs. Something that sounds so simple gives me such anxiety. The mere thought of it makes my heart pound.
Now I have already applied to two jobs already and am waiting for them to get back like they have said they would and that is giving me anxiety. But this is something I have to get over. anxiety is hard to get over. Plus it feels like I'm on my own with all this and it's a scary feeling.
I am feeling like I will never get a job and I'll be this loser who can't do anything. Even though I really am trying right now. Harder than I ever had. Like I am searching. I am going, to be honest with you guys and am trying to be real. I haven't worked in a while. And my mom helped me with applying. So this all is hard because I don't know what I am doing. I don't know where to really go. When I tell people that they are very shocked I guess it would be the right word to explain. They then proceed to say things like "How do you not know this?" and "Really?!?" 
I did not really learn that in school and Googling it was very overwhelming, to say the least. I don't know how to be an adult and it scares me to death and it overwhelms me. I try to tell myself to "toughen up" and " Other people have it worse than you so stop being a bitch and figure it out"
Yeah, it's bad. I have these thoughts in my head 24/7
So far today I have only managed to cry 2x. So I see that as a plus. I mean yesterday I cried myself to sleep from the anxiety.
Whoever set me subscription up for being an adult I hate you and I want to cancel now. Seriously where do I go to cancel?!?
Because now I am just starting to feel pressured into feeling like I need to save up money pronto and get an apartment and things like that. It is very stressful and on top of all that I get in these moods where I want a baby and to be a mother. That is stressing me out as well. Because I'm not mentally able to take care of a baby. Let alone myself.
If any of you have advice on adulting please please please leave a comment. That would mean so so much cause I'm still am freaking out.

I'm weak for asking for help

I have felt this week that I really need to buckle down and get shit done. To make things happen that I want to make happen. It can be scary to do things on your own but it does not mean you have to actually be alone. If you get stuck it's okay to get help and have someone help you. I keep forgetting that. I keep thinking that I have to do everything alone. That's not the case at all. My family will always be here to help me if I need it.
I have been so scared for a while now thinking that when I become this independent person that I will never be able to get help when I'm stuck. But, I can.
So from this point forward in my life, I will ask for help if needed. And that being independent does not mean that no one will ever help me. I do think a lot of people forget that. I forget it. And with society being a certain way it always feels like we are being judged. Like when we ask for help that feels like we are weak. When that is not the case. It is very brave to ask for help when needed. It does not make you a weak and feeble person.
I just need to remember all this. So now its time to go out and brave the world.

Friday night

Friday night and I have no plans. I'm sitting on my bedroom floor. Wondering what I want to do with the rest of my evening and night.
Maybe blasting music as loudly as I can. Trying to drown out the sound of the silence that has gotten so loud it is driving me crazy.
Maybe paint a picture to express how alone I actually feel deep down inside. The gaping hole that I mask with a smile and an "I'm fine just tired"
Maybe enmurse me in a book. To pretend to be someone else for a change. so I don't have to listen to the thoughts that swirl around in my head at night wondering Who am I?
Or maybe watch a comedy show so I can laugh away the loneliness I feel inside and maybe just for a small while feeling like I am happy for a change. That I'm not falling apart. Wondering if I'll ever be good enough for him.
 Its Friday night and I'm sitting drinking my coffee that gets blacker with each sip and colder the longer I try to make it last.
It is now 12 at night and I'm still awake. Wondering how much more I can take being alone with the thoughts in my head. I guess I should try to go to bed.

I'm worthless

That is what my mind tells me every day. That I'm nothing. That no matter how hard I try I'll never be good enough. It is hard to live with me every day not wanting to be me.
 Then I thought "wait this is no way to live. Hating myself every day. I need to learn to love myself and accept myself for who I am" 
That is hard for me. Almost all my life I have hated who I am. Wishing for parts of me to be different. Thinner, prettier, smaller feet. I just can not live like this anymore. I want to be able to love myself and know that I am enough. That I do not need to change.
   I was watching this Youtuber earlier today. She is no one big  Yet she inspired me. Her channel is called Char Belacqua. And in the two videos she has, she talks about just living life. Because most of us are not really living life. We scroll on Instagram, Pinterest, and Facebook and compare our lives and only fantasize about the life we want. And that is it. We don't do anything further.
So with Char Belacqua, she went to go live the best life she possibly could. That is what I want to live the best life I possibly can. Because I deserve it. I deserve to live the life I want and I need to just go out there and live it. It is not going to just come to me I have to go to it.
So I'm going to shave my head and start my life over. Giving myself a clean slate. From now onI'm going to live the life I want and take risks. I want to do things that scare me. I need to move on with my life and stop living in the past. So that is just what I am going to do. And I hope you guys go out of your comfort zone and live. Go and live your life to the fullest.

Memories

So this morning when I got up I was greeted by the smell of something baking. I went downstairs and as I entered the kitchen I saw my Mom pulling muffins out of the oven. They were the oatmeal muffins I use to eat as a kid growing up.
Eating one gave me back memories I had forgotten. Of waking up and helping her make them. While still wearing my pj's. Waiting patiently for them to bake so I could eat them. Then once they came out of the oven they would have to cool and I remember waiting and it felt like forever waiting. But, that first bite of the muffin was always amazing. Being warm and soft. While sitting at the table talking with my brothers and sister. Then after getting school done.
My mom would always make a lot of them so we would always have them on hand. I loved them I would eat them as a snack and then for breakfast again the next morning.
Having them first come out of the oven is amazing. I even remember some days I would eat them in front of the TV while watching PBS or qubo. Those were my favorite channels to watch. The show Jacob two was my sisters' favorite show to watch when she was 3.

Since eating that muffin it is like a wave of memories is flooding in. I remember how I felt and how the weather was. or even the exciting things we did that day. And while they are happy memories I feel slightly sad. Because I'm grown up now. Not a kid anymore. But, I need to keep moving forward and make more memories. :)

I binged

Hey guys. It has been a long while I know. This past couple of weeks have been very busy. 

I have finally gotten around to watching the walking dead. I watched it with my boyfriend.🥰 
All 8 seasons so far. I holed up in my room and watched it all day every day. I don’t recommend doing that. Not at all. 

Since doing that I have become very antisocial. More antisocial than usual and it’s showing. Like I don’t want to leave my bedroom bad. And once I did leave my room it’s been easier to be more social. Especially around my family. Since binge watching The walking dead my mood has gotten bad. Been depressed and sad. So I’m hoping the more I leave my room and interact with my family that will change. 

I love watching tv.  I just can’t do it as often as every day 24/7 that’s a little much. Which now I am fixing. 

Which is why I’m also on here. Because it’s been at least a good month since my last blog post. As far as my YouTube channel goes. It’s been a month as well there too. And the reason for that is. I’m a little stumped as to what to make a video about. I probably should have videotaped me watching the walking dead and giving my thoughts and opinions on it. Or maybe not now that I think about it. 

I really suck at doing YouTube. And any social media really. I just don’t feel like posting much on there. 

Anyways that is what I have been up too. I know that this post was not that long. But that’s all that I have done that’s probably exciting really. 

Please comment if you have any video ideas you want me to do. ❤️

Anxiety and books

Yesterday I had been thinking about what use to make me happy. Because I haven't been feeling like myself lately. Then I started thinking reading used to be a happy place for me. I use to read all the time. I could not get enough of it. And over the past 2 years, I have changed. Like everyone does. But, I have changed in a sense of losing a part of who I am. I want so badly to get her back. I say her because when I was growing up I was very anti-social. Talking to people gave me anxiety. Asking for help gave me anxiety. Even just the thought of talking to someone or asking for help gave me anxiety. My anxiety was bad. I would get a lot of panic attacks so making friends was hard. So one day I thought to myself that I would make up a friend. Like, have an imaginary friend. So in a way who I use to be was her. If that makes any sense. It probably doesn't.
That's how I would be growing up. Talking to people was hard and I would get teary eyed and almost start to cry. It was bad. It is not as bad anymore. Thank goodness for that.
So yesterday I downloaded almost all the books I use to read. The books I use to love and some were books I have been wanting to read. I am thinking about doing another page on here. For after I'm done reading them and doing a book review.  Most being my favorite classic books. I know they have already been done. But, I think it would be fun.
So hopefully reading those books again I will find a little part of me again. I think its good to go back to what you use to love. Because chances are you might still love doing it.
 Same being with writing in a journal. I also use to journal my day every day. It did not matter what my day was. The boring days and the days of even just watching movies. I use to write. It helped me to write down how I felt about things. I was able to get it all into sorts. I recommend journaling it really does help to get your feelings out and keep track of how you feel. I use to have journals and diaries up since 2004. But, sadly lost them in a move years ago. I say years but, its more like 2 years. So starting over again. Hopefully, this post was not too rambly. I never really know how to end these. same with my videos.

;{)

Hey, it is me. As you can tell and it been a while. So two days ago I made my first YouTube video again. I have gained a couple new subscribers. So that is exciting. Tomorrow I'm going to try and film a vlog and then edit it. I don't know much about the editing but, I'm trying. That's all one can really do. So if you are a subscriber then thank you for subscribing. I will do my best to try and not let you down. Hopefully, I edit it okay. Maybe not a vlog maybe a coffee talk. I don't know what I'm doing. I did take some notes on a couple topics. I could talk about those.
 See this is what I meant. I really do kinda suck at this. I am trying and I am going to continue with posting videos. It just might take me a long while to get n the groove of things. Like it did for me here. But, maybe my platform is better on YouTube. Rather than typing here. Since no one really reads this. Seriously if anyone does read this. Hi and thank you so much for reading and being with me on my life journey so far. ❤
It does mean a lot. Because it tells me someone is listening. It is easier to get my thoughts out on here without all the stuttering and long pauses and such. But that is me. Even talking to me in person I stutter and forget what I'm talking about half the time.
 I just hope filming myself will help me with being shy and stuff and hopefully, I learn how to edit my freakin videos. Noted that filming on my laptop to then edit does not work and I need to film on my phone. I feel so much like an armature LOL
Like so don't know what I'm doing. And well that is the purpose of the videos and these blog posts. To show you-you don't need to know what you are doing in life as long as you are enjoying life.
As I'm typing all this I'm thinking I need to go to bed but really its almost 5 minutes to 8. It is not even late. Like not even close. Although I might just sleep earlier. #livinglikelarry

11:00 pm

So these past two days I have been thinking. I know I know that's dangerous 😂
I have been thinking about who I am now versed who I was 3 years ago and well the girl I was 3 years ago use to have a small sense of who she was. The girl I am now is lost. With no sense of who I am. I keep doubting everything about myself. Like when I go clothes shopping I look at all the clothes and wonder if I will actually wear or use it. It is like I don't know myself anymore.
I use to know who I was. Where I wanted to go in life. What I wanted to do. The places I would go and see.
  I know people change. But, don't they at least still know who they are after the change?
I just wish I had some sort of direction to head in. Hopefully one day I will know who I am. That's what this journey is about right? Self-discovery and stuff. The only thing is is that it is not like those coming of age movies you see. This feels more alone. Especially with not that many friends in the mix. The movies make everything seem so romantic and glamorous.
I can't wait to find myself. Maybe then I and she can have coffee together and caught up.

My morning routine

So every morning I try to get up at the same time every day. Which is around 7. I set an alarm but I always wake up around 7. Sometimes before the alarm goes off or when the alarm goes off. 

Once my alarm goes off I lay there and think about why I decided to get up at this time in the first place all to which I have no freaking clue. 

When I finally do get up I stumble my way to the bathroom like a zombie that has a hangover. (not that I know what that would feel like to a zombie. Do zombies feel hangovers?) Then once I finally find my way into the bathroom I brush my teeth and change. Since starting yoga I have been doing it every morning. 

After my yoga, I change yet again. Which since being winter is cold. so the thought of changing seems a bit much for me. But, I do it. (Although I sometimes just change back into my pajamas and wear those the rest of the day) 

After that, I go downstairs and drink one of the only reasons to get up every morning. That amazing good coffee. ⛾

Then I sit down with my life source and drink that. Trying to become a functioning adult for the day. keyword try. I normally fail. 😂

That's when I talk with my mom and we go over our plans for today and what we would like to get done. That's about it. It is not that exciting. But, I thought I'd share. 

 Please leave a comment for anything else you would like me to write about. 

Vlogging?

So this year as I have said before If I have mentioned it before. That I want to start vlogging. Like it probably won't be anything like any of the popular YouTubers you see but, maybe something good. I want to actually try this year. I wanted to do it last year but was not that consistent with it so I wound up with a lot of gaps between each video. And not that many people was interested in it. Like here. So because I have had a lot of experience with that I'm going I'm try again. And because I have some confidence to do it. i have also come to realize that it does not have to be perfect. Like with amazing editing and music and effects.
 That was my problem before and why I never really made new videos. Then I got stuck in this whole I look like an idiot and No one is going to watch any of this that I post. So I deleted all my content. I think all that is on there now is a couple playlists I made. That probably only contain a couple songs.

So yea starting more video content. I am unsure on how much I will be posting to be honest. I'm playing around with different editing and stuff. Things that I did not have when I last started doing videos.
Okay now I'm just rambling so I'll wrap this up now.
Please keep a look out for my videos and comment on this post for what kind of videos you would like to see. 😁💖👽

Update on life and other thoughts

I have decided over the weekend that I want to start doing yoga. Because I read somewhere that its good for your mental heath and physical. So I figured I would start that and see if how it effects me mentally for 30 days. This year I want to do a lot of 30 day challenges. So to start yoga then I might do going vegetarian for 30 days.
 But I can't start the yoga one till my period is over. I have no idea as to why that's what my mom says and she is certified in yoga so she knows what she is talking about. All this is a part of my new year new me thing.
Also I am going to take up vlogging as well so you will be seeing me on YouTube again. So keep an eye out for that. I just need to wait till my period is over and find some editing software. So if you guys know of any good free editing software please comment. Please. Thank you so much.
I have been doing a lot a lot of thinking this past weekend and i want to get out there more. So YouTube might help with all this. At least that is what I'm hoping for.
So I'm hope if I am dedicated enough to blog or vlog my experience and how it effects me.
Because my brain works best starting on a Monday I'm going to start there. I can't wait to get started.
😊

A little adventure

I am trying not to suck at this but it seems I am. So as a beginner adventurous person. I am going to try my best to be real with you guys. To whoever reads this. I'm doing this for me. To record everything. This blog is labeled Wonderland gypsy. I am a gypsy at life. Traveling in the seance of life. So I need to start living up to it by blogging my adventures. No matter what they are. Spirital or something I learned. I just need to be more adventurous. So as of in the next couple of days therefore I can really think about all this and think about what I want to do first. I will be more adventurous in life then when I can travel and see new places. I know for one thing I want to travel El Paso more. This seems like a really cool city. A city in which needs to be explored a little. And I will as soon as I am comfortable with doing something like that.
 When I was younger and I'm sure most of you guys have done this. Stuck your nose deep deep down in a book and became the character. And for hours till late at night fought ghosts, demons, villians or no villians. I have all the time. There was nothing more exciting then getting a new book from the library.
I still am excited about getting new books its just now on Kindel.
But, I want to actually live a good life you know? Like the ones I would read about. i want to be able to say I did something when I grow old. So this year is it. Can't wait to share them with you guys. If anyone is really reading. Thank you to the ones who are. It means a lot.