New year pt.1

Its weird that in only a certain amount of hours it will be next year. I'm a little sad to see this year end. Because of all the memories I have made. But, the new year is also very exciting. For me it give a new life. Like I can renew myself. I can change everything and make a whole new me. Its like killing my old self every year. Its evolving yourself. I know I sound like a broken record. But, I'm fascinated by it.

  And next year I can become a new me. Who will I be next? What will I look like? Will I finally snap and be a bitch? Or will I change my appearance? Be blonde or have red hair? I may never know till the end of next year. I enjoy changing. I enjoy searching for what is lost in myself. Trying to find myself. And the first thing is getting a job, Save money. I don't have a certain amount. I just know I need to save.
   I'm sorry its been taking me a while to write another post. The holidays as they are to most people are a crazy time. Full of family. Which is what we did. Bringing the family together for new years.
And at this moment I'm sitting on the couch drinking my once was hot coffee. While the real adults talk to one another. Most of which I can't understand. Because they are talking in spanish. But, What is nice about it is that its comforting.
Family is comforting.
 I don't really have much to say today. I'll try and blog a couple more posts today. Telling you guys What I am doing. It probably won't be as exciting as most people blog or vlog about but, its something.

21

Yesterday was my birthday. It was so much fun. For breakfast my mom made Drop Danish. Do you guys remember those? those are the freakin bomb. With strawberry jam and glazed drizzled over them. Like OMG 😍 They are the best ever. Then after breakfast. I spent the morning spending time with my mom. We did our makeup and nails.
 Around 4 we went and got coffee. Which if you know me I got the Christmas blend. Well my mom got me the Christmas blend. Which is super yummy.⛾ I love coffee. And the mall was super pretty this time of year. There was a big Christmas tree. 🎄 With a mall Santa taking pictures with kids.
We then went inside Old navy. It was crowded because of it being 5 days till Christmas. If you count today 4. Which my little sister is excited about. Then I looked around Hot Topic. Like I love that store. I saw a whole bunch of stuff. a pastel purple mesh baby doll dress. Galaxy themed see through cardigan and lots of other really cute clothing. After looking in there. We all went to village Inn. I love that place they have really yummy food. And I got to spend it with my family. After dinner we all headed back home.
The cake was amazing as well. It was a spice cake with cream cheese frosting. My mom made extra. I ate that for lunch. Today was a big empty calorie day. Then after the cake we all watched Krumpus. And I drank my first drink. It was a green apple kind of beverage. I forget the name. But I do know that it was good. By the time we watched Krumpus it was past mid night. That's when I went to bed. It was a really good day. I got to spend it with my family and I'm happy about that. I had a fun day.
 As for how it feels to be 21. It does feel different. Like to me I feel like even more of an adult. And its a little sad growing up to me. It feels like I truly did grow up fast. Yet its exciting. I'm a little excited to see how everything turns out. Like my life and all that.
 Here's to growing up 🍻

I fear my birthday

So my birthday is this Thursday. And I am not really that excited. I could say that I'm looking forward to it. But, I'm not.  I haven't looked forward to my birthday since I was 13 years old. After that not so much. So every year around this time I get depressed. I feel so bad because my boyfriend is looking forward to it. He is so cute.
So my mom will ask what is it I would like to do for my birthday or you know stuff like that. I tell I'm not sure I haven't really thought about it.
And the reason as to why I don't like my birthday. Is because I am scared. I don't know what to expect. I have a fear of the unknown. Just like I don't like the new year. Because of the unknown. I know change is a part of life. But, I have a hard time with change. I will do my best to adapt to change but I get in a weird mood. Just like everyday this week.
I am a little excited though. Because come on I'll be turning 21 and I can drink legally. And my mom is making drop danish. I fluffin love drop danish. that's an up. But other then that. I get drepressed.
I feel bad about how I feel. Because my little sister is counting down till my birthday and my boyfriend.
I am trying to be excited. I'm trying. Hopefully I can get over being depressed about my birthday. Because it's not fun and everyone finds it weird.
Hopefully in the next post I'll have something more cheery to talk about.

Coffee in the afternoon

 So I'm currently sitting on the floor of my bedroom and drinking coffee. I'm trying to figure out what to type and I can't. I have been going about this wrong. I am trying so hard to be perfect that I can not get anything up on time. I was suppose to get this post up yesterday but being perfect held me back and a whole lot of procrastination. I am bad at that. Like my mom will ask me to do something and I will always say I'll do it later then I don't. so fast forward to 5 days later and it still has yet to be done. Or I get distracted. This happens a lot. Even when I'm messaging with someone I will get distracted with a notification on my phone or cleaning something and totally forget to text back.
I'm trying to get better at it though. Like I'll think to myself that if I get it done now I won't have to do it later.
Like I keep doing with this blog post. I keep putting this off because I have no idea on what to even talk about. So This week end that is what I will be researching. Yes I will be researching what to talk about. I'm that kind of person.
Writing in my journal is easier to do then this. I have no idea as to why. But, I am trying. I did say I would post more so that is what I am going to do.
So as I have been trying to blog these past couple of days I have been listening to Twenty-one pilots and they are my favorite band at the moment. Favorite song by them is Lane boy. My favorite band changes month to month or week to week. Cause that's part of what I do.
 Basically all I'm doing is rambling which is why I gave on on having a YouTube channel. Because I would keep talking or would not talk enough and it would be almost an hour long video of nothing. So I'm just going to leaving Vlogging to the people who know what they are doing. And its why my Instagram channel is dead. The last time I did a video was to say that I was done with YouTube and deleting all my content. Which one day i might go back to. Maybe. So I have wasted most of today on YouTube anyways trying to get ideas. Sadly I have none so far.
So this is all for now with my boring blog. I will do my best to make the next post more interesting.

New year bucket list

New years is in a couple of weeks. I have been doing a lot of thinking about that. Like the tradition of new years resolution. That most people keep for like a week or so then quit.
 I won't be doing that. My new years resolution is to become a better version of myself. To be more out there and not really give a fuck. I'm bring back YOLO.
This year I have a list of things I want to do while being 21. I want to love, laugh, and live. Corny I know but, its what I want to do. This year I could have lived more but, I didn't I worried and wollowed in my own depression. I took comfort in my sadness. I kept telling myself I would never be anything. Most of those thoughts were already there. And some were planted by old friends.
This year will be different. You only live once. So I might as well make it count.
Now I already chopped off all my hair so that's out but, I can grow it out or give myself a mohawk. A hair style that I have always wanted to do.
  I'm killing my old self to work on my new self.

So here are the things I want to do in 2019.
1. Getting my licence Yes I will be 21 and i have yet to get it yet. But I have been learning all I can about driving. Everyone learns at their own pace. 2. Do a new hair style. Like a mohawk and dying my hair a new color. 3. Learn a new language. Maybe sign language or maybe spanish.
4. Meet new friends. 5. Be more active on here. 6. be more active in real life. Eating more healthy and working out more. 7. Up my wardrobe style. 8. Work on my art more.

There is so much I have planned for this up coming year. And also I will doing a blog post 1 to 2x a week. I can't really do every other day I run out of stuff to talk about.
So stay tuned every Monday and Thursday for new posts.
Yes I will be making YOLO a thing again. Get use to it. lol

Killing your old self

You know what's more freeing then killing yourself? Running away to a small town and getting a job as a waitress. Buying a cheap car and sticking a bed in the back and driving southwest. Adopting a cat. Learning a new intrument or language. Moving apartments. Visiting relatives or friends. Chopping off all your hair.

You can kill your current self without dying. You can kill this version of you and make a new one. Maybe I'm just a bipolar sucker for rebirth but, sometimes that thought is all that keeps me alive.
To change myself and become a newer version.

Young, dumb and broke

Yes those are lyrics. But, I feel those lyrics are somehow true to my case. Maybe yours too.
Yea I know I'm young. I'm young and I don't know what to do in life. If your like me you change what you want to do with your life. I have changed my mind so many times. Recently landing on being a chef.  Which I plan on doing.
Because I change it a lot it feels more like a hobby rather than what I want to do. So I feel so dumb. Last year I drove myself crazy with what I wantes to do. I would google collages and shit.
From psychology to art school. I am interested in a lot of fields. But none that seem to be where I want to go. Except now. Culinary school.
But, (now we come to the broke part)
I'm freakin broke. Which is why I'm searching for that job.
It has draw a back though. My anxiety. Anxiety is bad my friend. Which is why I won't film myself and do vlogs or lives on Instagram or Facebook. Because I go on and 1. No one shows and 2. I get tongue tied and forget how to speak.
A short term goal I have is to one day be able to do that. But for now I'm going to hide behind this screen.🙈
 The past couple of days this is just something I have been thinking about. Me being young dumb and broke.
But, its okay. Because everyone has to start somewhere. So I'm starting here. Trying to live life. :)

Starting life

Hey to anyone who actually read this. I'm back. I'm actually back this time and are going to try my best to post regular. The hardest part for me is that I don't set a goal. So I'm setting a goal now. Starting today I will be posting maybe every other day to once a week. Leave a comment as to which you would like to see.
 So what I'm going to try and do is treat this more as a journal. That anyone can read. Posting things like any adventures I go on. Which is not many. And just life stuff. How I feel about things. What life means to me. But, in all honesty I have no idea. Life to me is complicated. I have no idea on what I'm doing. Some days I love that and other days I wish I knew what to do. I know most people don't know what to either and are still trying to figure things out too.
All I know about myself at the moment is that I really want to try with my blog here. That I want to explore the world and have moments. Little moments and big. I also am wanting to go to culinary school and become some sort of chef. Maybe open my own diner. Cause with diners they are more about comfort food and that's what I want for people.
so I'll be posting about looking at schools and once I'm in school sharing what I have learned.
I have a lot to learn and I cant wait.
To learn and grow as a person. Because growing up my mind would always tell me I can't do anything. I want to prove myself wrong. So join me on this new adventure.
Leave comment saying I'm in if you are following. Cause that would mean something to me.
 

I'm back

So its been forever since I last made a post. Sorry about that guys.

But, now I have stuff to share so thats a plus. We moved from Killeen to El Paso. I really like El Paso. I love the mountains. I have a mountain veiw from my window. Which that to me is pretty awesome.

The drive from Killeen to here was fun and took a while. 12 hours by car. Like wow.

And with our dog. That was hard. She only escaped her leash one time. She loved the experience too. She got to see so much beyond what she knew. So we took a car and a rental truck. Me, my sister our dog and me took the car. My brother and step dad took the rental truck. It took a lot of coffee to keep going. Because that was the second longest road trip I have ever had. But, I love road trips and adventure so to me it was great. I saw so much stuff. The landscape was so fluffin pretty. Like wow.

So once we got here. We got a hotel and I crashed before dinner. Like the clothes I had on was my pjs. I did take my make up off though. So go me.

The next day we chilled and watched tv. Ate junk food. Which was amazing.

All in all. I loved this experiance.

I'm working on more blog ideas. 

Trip to Florida

Flordia

So my trip to Florida started two months ago. We arrived at my grandparents house and it is a house on a peice of land. Its super beautiful. Florida is very hot. But aside from it being so hot its beautiful. Its so green never seen so many trees. The wild life here is just as amazing.

So I have visited the wonderful shops of Crystal river. My favorite shop would have to be the Karma cottage. So many cool psychic stuff. I got to go to this awesome seashell shop. So many pretty shells and sea themed trinkets.  My grandparents got me this really pretty box made of seashells. It looks like a scallop. We visited the gulf of Mexico. Its so pretty. We visited it twice. The first time was really fun. We went and got frozen lemonade and sat outside. We walked on the beach. It was short but fun. The second time. We went and walked more on the beach. We searched for seashells. I found some. They are super pretty. I also got to sculpt a turtle out of sand. I think it turned out ok. I also fed

the seagulls which was awesome. My Grandfather threw the chip up into the air and a seagulls caught it. After the beach we all got blizzards. I got the summer berry cheese cake. It was really good.

This summer I was able to get some art done. I painted somethings for my grandmother. Which gave me an idea for something that I'm working on. So you will have to wait and see on that.

I also got to spend some time with my uncle. He showed me and my sister around the university of Florida. That was fun. He also took us to Busch gardens where my little sister whent on her first roller coaster and loved it. And saw some amazing animals there.

Speaking of animals. I also went to the Homosassa springs wildlife park. Now that was super cool. Saw so many cool animals there.

This summer was really fun and I'm sad to see it end. But I cant wait to get to sleep in my bed. I shared a bed with my little sister and she hoggs the bed so. I cant wait to sleep in my bed.

Hopefully one day I will come back to Florida and explore some more.

Depression

Being depressed is hard. And we all go through it. But what people dont understand is that its all valid. No ones depression is invalied. Depression hurts everyone mentaly.

I have depression and even though I dont have a lot in my life to be depressed I am. So it hurts more when people say what do you have to be depressed about?

Well for me and I'm sure a lot of you is its my own head. There is that voice that tells you. "You dont belong here." "They are only being nice cause they have too"

Those are the things that run through my mind. Mixed with old thoughts. Thoughts of me being fat or not smart enough. Its always there.

Most days are better than others. I have days where nothing can get me down and I feel great. Then I have my I'm going to stay in bed not eat and sit in the shower.

I havent found out the real reason for it. I dont really know why its there. As I'm sure most of you feel the same way.

I havent found out how to really manage it. You can mostly tell when I get depressed based on how I acted. I stop talking. I dont want to eat. I go on long walks and just think. I stare into space and think more. Its just this cloud of dark. Wish I knew what was wrong.

Hopefully I'll find out.

Most of the time to get out of this funk I listen to my favorite bands and drink coffee. I try to remeber that everything will be okay in the end. It almost always is ok. So matter what we go though in life things will get better. Its just is going to take time.

Just need to remember that we can do this and not to give up.

Travel

So its been 3 days in flordia. Its hot and i'm still wearing my sweater and socks. Lol

But, this gives me a taste of traveling. Its is exciting. The plane rides and the car rides. Its all fun. Its a sence of wonderlust. And I do think traveling is for me. I want to see everything. And Florida is really nice. So many trees and green everywhere. And I do love seeing cities when we drive through them. I do want to travel everywhere. And become an actual Gypsy. Living everywhere and seeing everything.

  So when I get back I'm going to be trying and getting a job. Because ibwant to savw up and get myself a van. A R.V. would be too big for just me. And I would love to try out vanlife. Being able to go where ever. I'm going to do it. I'm excited. I have wanderlust bad. Lol

Also will have my bf with me too I hope. Then maybe we will need a camper van. More space for both me and him. I guess I still have more planning to do. Either way I want to travel. 
I want to see whats really out there. What amazing things there are in this world. I want to see all the landmarks there are. All the places that you see in movies. I want after the U.S. to be the world .I want to do it all by my bf's side.  Cause he is an amazing person. And what feels like home.  So as long as I have home. I wont get homesick. This is also a great way to learn more about the world we live in. To live it as an experience. Cause that I feel is the only eat to live anymore.  Cause life is not forever. So we might as well live it up. At least for as long as we can. 

Summmer vacation

So this Saturday I will be flying to my grandparents for the summer. I am excited. 😁

The only thing I'm nervous about is going through the airport. All those people rushing around. It brings out my anxiety. But, once I'm on the plane I will feel better.

Also while I am there I will probably be posting more. Since I Will have just a little bit more free time.

So to make up for not posting that much. You guys will get a more posts. I'm even thinking a Q&A post. I have so many ideas. Cany wait to show you guys them. I know this post is short. But again more to come.

I can't wait for this adventure to start. Love you guys ❤

No phone?

Losing your phone to some people might be a bad thing. But, in reality it's a good thing. It gets you off your phone and out into the world. Like when you go for a walk outside with no headphones. If you go without headphones.

  Really you should thake some time from technology and just feel being outside. You can discover more on who you are. I'm kinda happy things have worked this way. I am working on being less attached to my phone. I don't "need" my phone. I am also trying New music. Some I have come to like and some that just are not my favorite. Because I don't really have my phone. I can discover who I am and what I am ment to do in the world.

This has been a great experience for me. I totally recommend doing it. Put the phone away and go for a walk. Read a book that you normall would not read. Same with movies an you might even be surprised. Just get out if that comfort zone. Cause that is what I am going to do this year. Totally learn and grow. I can't wait to see what kind of person I am at the end of the year. 😊

Adventure

Last year at this time. Me and my mom went on a road trip to Arlington Texas. She is a bikini competitor and she had a competition there. So we left Thursday night. And the moment we left I had the feeling of being free. It was the best feeling ever. The journey there was so pretty. The landscape that passed by so beautiful.

We listened to Three days grace on repeat and just talked the whole way. So that night we got a flat tire and stopped outside of a tire shop and it was closed. And mom did not freak instead she started laughing. Cause how ironic is that to get a flat tire and your outside a tire shop and they are closed.

  Once we got back on the road it was at least close to 1am.

Those 3 days were the best. I will always remember them.

So now a year later I want to have that same feeling again. And I'm thinking about those 3 days of when I felt the most happy. A feeling I have not had in a year at lest. So I am in search of that freedom. Hopefully I find it soon.

Cause I am ready for an adventure.

✈🚕🗽🗼🌉

An update on life

So here is a little update on my life. I will be starting a Youtube channel soon. Mostly videos of me painting and videos of me talking about random stuff. A vlog if you will. And just like this blog it probably won't have that many people subscribed to  it. Lol

I hope it goes well and I can get   some subscribers at lest.    

So the past couple of months have been hard. Because of relationships.

I feel like they are only in it for my body mostly. Or it just does not work out for now. So I'm kinda at this point now that I'm like Fuck all relationships. I just want to kinda focus on my art and see where that takes me. And try to find friends. Cause I need friends I think.

And I already am talking with people. So many neat artists and just over all great people to talk to. If one of you guys are reading this. Feel free to comment and also hey. 😁

  And I am finding out I love meeting new people. I just need to be able to be myself more outside of Instagram. 🙈

So that is what I want to accomplish this year. And I think by having a Youtube channel that will help with that. So you will be seeing more of me. My day to day life.

Filming will happen tomorrow. A get to know me video maybe. Or it might turn out be more of a ramble. Who knows.

Hopefully you guys might like my content.

Thank you to the people who read this. ❤

Jobs and directions

Hey guys I know its been a while. Been going through some stuff.

A lot of stuff. All of it mental. Like two weeks ago I went through another breakup. I'm still sad about it but am able to function now. And for a while I was in kinda a dark place. Depressed and barely slept and ate. And all of this was over a guy. Now yes I did really love him. But after it got me thinking.

Do I really need or want to be in a relationship right now? Or do I want to wait and find out who I am and get myself taken care of.

  Relationships can be really get. You have the feeling of loving someone and being loved. Now that is a really nice feeling. But I will survive without being in a relationship. Because I'm 20 right now. I'm young and have no idea on who I am. Hell I don't even know what I want to do. I have so many ideas on what I want but can't pick a direction and stick with it.

I want to be a special effects makeup artist and I want to open my own coffee shop and be an amazing artist and save all my money buy an RV and travel around the U.S

So I really need to focus on what I want and need right now.

Not knowing what I want is annoying. I just hope I'm able to figure it out. 

  

As lost as Alice

I feel like Alice when she is talking with the blue caterpillar. When he says "Who R U?" and she replies with. "I hardly know sir for you see I have changed so much today as I do not know myself"

I have changed so much since this time last year that I don't know who I am. And you could consider it the be a crisis.

But, I'm not going to go am buy frivolous things. For they are just things.

Instead its more like posing as different people. Like I have a personality disorder. I have gone through so many different styles that looking back. I don't reconise.

Like when Alice changes from one size to another. Its all confusing. And even though I don't have people asking "Who R U?" I am asking myself that. And I don't know. I really don't. It is a rollercoaster ride. And I go around in my head. With go with what you like and love. But, even as I do that I feel like a poser. Always pretending. 😒

Like honestly how can one overcome this feeling? How?

That's what I want to figure out but don't know where to start.

Another thing to add to that list of what makes me feel like a gypsy in wonderland.

The feeling of no home and no identity.

I honestly hope all this makes sense. For I don't know how to go about explaining any other way.

  All I know right now is that I have put so much pressure on who I am. I just hope I am able to find out who I am.

Gypsy life

You know feeling like a gypsy is nice. You get to feel free. I do feel free. The only thing is trying to find that feeling of home to make the world your home. I have yet to find that feeling of home. Because its not a place for me. Home is a feeling of comfort and happiness.

For the most part I just feel at ease. Like life is what it is.  Yes I get days where I am depressed. But its mostly where ever life want s to take me I'm cool. ☺

My journey so far as been interesting. I wouldn't change a thing though. For I have grown wiser. I know things I did not know a year before. I am very happy with who I am now. I am focusing more on me this year. I need to love myself more. I have not been doing that. 😞

So I am working on going to bed a little earlier and going for walks more. For there is only one me.

I was looking back at some photos recently. And I saw a picture of me from like 2 years ago. I look different then who I was before. I look different and feel different. Like I have lost some weight. And mentally I just feel better. Another reason to that is i am out of my toxic relationship. As much as I loved him I had to let him go. He drained me. Made me feel so bad about who I was. Please don't take this as a slam. He is a good person. He is now going to school and is focusing on his life. I do wish him well.

Enough about the past its time for now and the future.

😁

Art

Its my way to express myself and let out all my stress. On Instagram I tend to use songs as a caption or a quote. And the reason behind that is because it is what my artwork says and I can't put it to words myself. So I use music and quotes.

My art sometimes takes day to accomplish. Because I tend to start a painting or drawing and then move on to another one. So I'll be working on like 5 paintings at a time. And other times it takes me a couple of minutes to create my work.

It just depends on my mood and coffee intake.

I use painting as a form of therapy for myself. So I can get all my emotions out.

And at the moment there are a whole lot of emotions. Mostly sadness. But I'm getting through.

Just taking it one day at a time. I hope you all like my artwork. 

💖😊

Okay, so there is something that has been on my mind for a while. And that is the fact that society has very high beauty standards. Like they tell you to be different. But when you do they look at you like your fucked up crazy.

Now I have been toying with the idea of shaving my head. I want to see the time lapse of my hair growing. And I think shaved hair like that is really pretty. Not everyone thinks so apparently. 😒

I got asked "how can you feel pretty with your hair being short?"  I dont have an exact awnser I just do. I like having short hair and no eyebrows. I really like that. Just like some people like long hair.

I know I am different I am going to embrace it. Because that's who I am. It took me a while to be able to stand up to that person.

So now I am going to dress to what makes me happy. I am going to shave my head because it makes me happy to change my hair style like that.

And I will say this. Don't let people stop you from being who you are. If you want to dress a certain way go for it. Don't let them stop you. Just be your beautiful self. Or if your a guy your handsome self. 

Love you lovelies 💖

- Wonderland gypsy 

Get to know me

Hi, I'm the wonderland gypsy
I am on a journey to find who I am.
Since last year my life has been so crazy. There has been a lot of moving. I kinda feel like I'm in wonderland. Everything is so topsy turvy. And I love the book Alice in wonderland. That's one inspiration for the name. Lol
And like Alice I want to fond out who I am. So I'm going to travel through this crazy world to find that.

So now for a little bit on who I am now.
I'm a huge movie nerd. I quote movies all the time.
I love music. Ranging from deathcore to indie. I do not like rap or country.
I like to read a lot. I'm a bookworm.
I am not outgoing. And I have had my first 💔 
So yea that's the sad part of 2018 so far. But I have to keep going.
My mom/best friend has helped me a lot through all of this. I love my mom a lot. 💜
She has actually suggest that I start this blog. ☺
I just hope you all are able to keep up with all my madness. Because the mad hatter is like my spirit animal. I think a lot like him.
So I welcome you to join me on my madness and enjoy as I do and share my wacky adventures. So ✌out
- Wonderland Gypsy