Moving and Anxiety

I am so exhausted. Next week I am going to be paying rent for my new place. I am super excited a nervous about all this.  So much change has happened this year. I am not a person that likes change. I like things to stay the same. Like a routine. Something that is the same. I like to know what to expect. And with so many curve balls it's stressing me out so much. I never know what is going to happen next. It scares me. I am very scared. 

As scared as I am I am very proud of myself and how far I am going. It may not be what other people want and I know I have disappointed a few with my choices. But, I don't regret quitting that call center job. Because I now am at a job that I very much enjoy. I do enjoy cleaning. It is the most relaxing part of my day. I hardly get to interact with the people there.  And I am good at it. 

I hope things start to ook up soon.

UNKOWN

I want to go home. I wish I knew where home was. I know a home is what you make it. But, I have moved so much I am unsure as to what a home is anymore. I miss being around family. I miss having people to come home to. I miss having people to talk to. I miss going and doing fun things with them. I don't go anywhere or do anything fun anymore. I stay in my apartment and wonder how to make this place home. 

At first, I thought it was because I didn't have couches. But, I then got couches and it still did not feel like home. Maybe if I made meals for myself. Nope not it either. Watch movies and live TV? Nope. I still don't know what it is. 

I can hardly sleep since I feel I have to be on guard all the time. I go on walks and those feel more like home. I found out I actually dread having to go back to this apartment. I am unsure why. I guess because I am alone with my thoughts. 

That's the funny thing. Everyone says I need to keep myself distracted to not get stuck in my head. I shouldn't have to do that. I should be able to be okay with the silence without thinking of suicidal thoughts. Right? 

I don't feel at home. Not in this apartment and not even in my own skin. 

I WANT TO GO HOME!!!

Show and Tell

Disappointment. Something I have always felt I was and still am. 

I don't make a lot of money and doing things are hard by myself. I am trying as hard as I can. I am working on getting a better job to make money to support myself. I am working on getting another place that I can afford.  All without driving because even though I am 22 I don't know-how. It's not because I don't want to its because I never got a chance in the past to try to learn. 

No, I am not taking the bus. I don't really know how to ride the bus either. I walk everywhere and I take the very expensive Uber. 

 Yet that makes me feel like I am a failure same as not having money or a car. people like to point out things like that to me. Or they tell me the popular "When I was your age" That does not help. I get it I am not as successful as you. I am trying to figure everything out. 

 I try to not let it get to me but, it does get to me. Words can hurt no matter how many times I tell myself it does not hurt. But, hey if you lie to yourself enough you will believe it. Right? 

 I am already trying to convince myself that I am strong and independent. It works some days other days not so much. Other days I look in the mirror and cry because I don't have anything together and that I am no good. I hardly have the funds to keep myself alive and keeping rent is a joke. I am flat broke. Every penny goes into rent. That when I spend money on food I feel guilty. 

I get it life is not fair. I get it. Please stop telling me that. Like I said I am trying my best. Will it ever be good enough? Will I ever be good enough? 

Wake me up when this ends

I can not wait until this all ends. The moving and job searching. I can not wait to finally be able to put roots down somewhere. To make a home for myself. To wake up and not dread going to work. Or not dread waking up. 

I can't wait to have stability in my life. To not feel like everything is falling apart. And to not feel like a disappointment to everyone. 

Lately, that is how I have been feeling. I know I know get over yourself. Grow up and that is life. And my favorite Don't be sorry be better. 

 Actually, the list goes on and on. I get told these things all the time. It does not help at all. Instead, it has the opposite effect. I start to just feel numb I guess. 

I want this all to be over now. 

I also really want food. Been living on eggs and rice every day. I miss eating food. Hopefully, in the next two weeks, I can finally go shopping for food. fingers crossed.  

Another chapter in my life

So a new chapter. I have till Wednesday to move out of the place I currently am living. Not being able to drive makes things so much harder. I have most of my stuff packed up. I have a storage unit that I can put them in till I find a place. It is mostly just getting the boxes there. 

Then I need a place to sleep. So I'll have to do something I won't like and that is asking a friend if I can crash on their couch. Hopefully, they say yes.   

A friend of mine taught me something very recently. That is always expect to be disappointed. In other words, don't get your hopes up. That is something that I have been thinking about. And also you can't rely on a lot of people or take their words and promises seriously. They always end up not coming through. Then you are left hurt. That is what is making this harder. Seeing that people will say you can go to them for anything. But, really it's just if you need a hug. Anything else and they tell you to go ask someone else or "Oh sorry that sucks" 

I do feel like giving up. Part of me feels like there is no hope. The other part is really angry with people. So I want to be able to do this. To get a new place and a better job and such. I hope things look up a little bit soon. I am getting tired of crying and stressing. Getting tired of feeling alone and it is just me against the world. 

I want to say though. That there are a few people that have been here for me. A few friends and this one subscriber who has been leaving comments on these posts. It means a lot to know that someone is here and is so kind. Thank you. 

How?

Question. How do you guys do it? Adulting I mean. How are you all living still? Because I feel kinda thrown into this world with no adulting skills. I didn't know about unemployment that I could have applied for until I found the jobs now. I did not know I could apply for food stamps to help out with getting food. I have been eating rice and potatoes for weeks on end. 

 I don't know how to keep myself afloat in the real world. I am learning things the hard way. Please don't hate me and laugh and point telling me welcome to the real world. I am already getting that. 

I never knew stress until now. I never knew why people were depressed about rent. Until now. I never knew any of what I know now till it all came crashing down and I am now trying to hold myself afloat. I have done things I am not proud to admit. I have had to ask people for money. Something I hate doing. 

I see the adults in my feed and I just stare in awe wondering how you all are able to keep yourself afloat. And if you are faking it you are doing so well. 

I know crying solves nothing. But, it's all I have been doing. Then laugh it off if anyone asks about it. I am so tired of pretending everything is fine when it is clearly not. I am still going through. It's all I can do. 

So to all the adults going through shit. You guys are awesome. You really are I admire you guys. 

Props to the grown-ups

So here is a little bit more about me. I can not adult to save my life. Which funnily enough is what I have to do every day.  Like work at two jobs is hard. props to those who do that. You guys are like superhuman I am telling you. 

Its a bit harder when you can't drive and you don't know how to take the bus. I will be learning that very soon. I just need to grow the balls to actually do it you know? 

I am also learning there is no such thing as sleep. Like what is that? Sounds a bit made up if you ask me. Nothing but coffee and sadness for me. 😂 Got to love that dirty bean water. ( Comment the gamer I stole that from)

So we have that we also have stressed beyond no recognition. Every day is stress. From checking the mail to having to use the register at Whataburger. I am a ball of nerves. 

Then we have the dirty apartment from being too tired to clean it and let's reuse the same dish from my coffee table because I am too tired to wash it. And last but not least I can not cook. I can bake bt cooking forget about it. I can burn and undercooked beans and pancakes. So definitely not wifey material. 

So boys know that I just might fuck up your sandwich. 

So yea I would say that adulthood is really freaking hard and I am a hot mess. I may look put together but, I assure you I am drinking 3-day old coffee and crying in the shower because why the hell not. Life is too shot to drink fresh coffee and not have a daily cry. 

 Someone told me a few days ago that my theme song is the song by Paramore that is called Ain't it fun. It goes Ain't it fun

Living in the real world?
Ain't it good
Being all alone?
Ain't it good to be on your own?

And yea that is my theme song. I also see why people drink. You can not live in this world sober. So cheers and hopefully I get better at this. 🍻🎆

The world is challanging me

While I have a job I am still worried about next month's rent. One of the few good things is I do have a job for this Wednesday. I hope I get it. I need anything right now. I am will to really work for it. Right now Whataburger is all I have. It does not pay that much. Because of it, I am pretty stressed out. Money is always a problem I am seeing. 

I am also seeing myself going through a mid-life crisis at the age of 22. I am freaking out about what I want to do with my life. I am scared about the future because it is so money based. And I feel like there will never be a time where I am not so stressed anymore. Stressing and worrying and depression is all I know now. I am really hoping and praying that I get that job at Cracker-barrel. I can not take the stress anymore. 

I have been killing myself

I am so tired of being tired and anxious all the time. All I do is stress over everything. I am doing what I can in life with job hunting and such. It's all I can do is do the best I can. Yet because I feel so compelled to be this perfectionist it makes my anxiety worse. 

And most of all I am sick of being scared of the unknown. I don't want to be scared of the unknown anymore. I want to explore the unknown. Because it can go good. It can help you be stronger as a person by learning from your mistakes. 

I have been giving up on myself because I am scared of change. Scared of the unknown. but, if I keep going and keep at it I can do great things for myself. 

So this is what I am going to do. I am going to build a routine for myself. morning and night. I am going to change my thinking habits. I do have this. I am going to do my best to be the best I can be for me.

Because I want to be able to do great things in life. 

I am not sure if any of this made any sense or if  I was just word vomiting. But, yeah time to make some changes. I have been giving up on myself. Been without realizing till this week that I have been being self-destructive to myself. By not getting enough sleep. Not getting enough water and not eating the best. This being not eating enough or actual meals. So it is time to take better care of myself and see what happens. 

Empty

Depression its something that has been amplified since I have been living on my own. And the coronavirus is not doing it any justice.  With social distancing and making it hard to job hunt. Not to mention that you are not able to friends and family as much. So it has me depressed. Today is one of those days. I am going, to be honest with you all I have cried a couple times. I am not sure if its stress that has me this way or the lack of human contact. 

So much is going on. So many emotions are flowing through me. depression, scared and stressed. I have lost the joy in coffee. I don't drink it as much anymore. Or when I do I just don't want it anymore. My apartment has been messy because I can not find the energy nor motivation to clean it. So the dishes pile in the sink and my bedding has migrated to the couch. I basically live on my couch now. I don't sleep as well as I use to. I wake up a few times every night. I am unsure of what to even do. I am talking to a counselor But, I will be unable to keep talking to her. Money is getting pretty tight. And I still need that second job.   

People say "It gets worse before it gets better" I just hope it gets better soon. I am going to be real with you I am starting to lose faith that things will get better. I have a hard time believing it will get better. Only time will tell. 

I am sorry to have this post be so dark. It is just some things I have been thing about and are going through. 

I almost feel empty in some way. Whenever I get like this I feel this empty feeling in my chest. Like something is missing. I am unsure as to what it is. And that is when I start to cry and just lay there on the couch until I make myself go for a walk or take a shower if I truly don't want to go outside. I hope this feeling goes away soon. I really do. 

Seeing a little progress in life

So I do have a job. I am working in fast food again. I am enjoying it. I do still need a second job though. Things are a bit tough. It is okay though. I know I will be able to pull through. It is going to take a lot of dedication and willingness. I have a job interview for this Saturday. It is for a dine-in restaurant. Most restaurants are opening back up. Which is good because that means just a bit more job opportunities. 

 I am also learning as much as I need another job I also need to relax a bit and enjoy myself. That is just as important. I have been getting very very stressed out lately. Due to financial problems. I need to keep reminding myself that things are going to be okay and to just keep doing what I am doing.  

I am really applying myself and calling them to schedule an interview. 

I do think in the future I want to start selling my art. Painting and crafting are what helps me distress a bit. They are relaxing and I can put my focus into it.  I'm really starting to find myself again. like the things that make me happy. Another thing I do that helps to relax me is crocheting. I'm working on a blanket for my boyfriend for when he gets back. He has seen it already and he is loving how it is looking. I really can not wait to give it to him. A lot of love is going into it. I mean a lot. 

There are still some things I would like to work on and that is getting myself into a routine. I already have part of a routine down and that is taking my vitamins and getting some water in. I have cut back on my coffee intake. So now I am only drinking a cup a day or every other day depending on the week. That is basically what I have been up to. Just really trying in life. Giving it my all. 

Finding myself

I'm going to reinvent myself. Dye my hair, get that job, and save all my money. I'm going to start selling my art. And be more creative than I have ever been. 

I want to change myself. To whom I am not sure. I just don't want to be this sad person anymore. I don't want to sit here every day and stare into nothing. Thinking about how everything feels like it's falling apart. And I'm still am not sure what my purpose is in life. 

I don't know what I want to do because what I want changes all the time. 

I am even trying to learn about auto mechanics. Watching videos on that. because I am very interested in that. Its never too late to learn about things. 

I just don't want to be this sad person anymore. So I'm going to do what I can to change that. To figure out another side of me. 

I need to vent

Life has taken a huge turn for the worst. At least that is how it feels. Right now I'm unemployed and am dealing with a lot mentally. Mostly with depression and anxiety. Depression being the bigger of the two. I am seeing not a therapist but a counselor. She has been helping with all that she can.
I'm still job-hunting but,  it is taking a lot out of me. I start to feel like I'm not getting anywhere and that is a bit frustrating. Because all that I can do is apply and call to make an interview. I don't have control over whether they are hiring right now or not. I am trying to remember that and am trying to keep a positive outlook on things.
On top of all that things are getting a bit lonely with everyone being inside all the time. For a short time last week, I didn't feel lonely. A friend of mine found a stray kitten under her porch and gave her to me because she knew I wanted a kitty. So for a short while, I had a pet. She was the greatest. I named her Dinah after the kitten in Alice In Wonderland.  She was 3 weeks old. Her mom abandoned her. So I became her mom. I did my best to take care of her. Now she was sick. I didn't know until it was too late. She passed a few days later. I took it hard. I loved that kitten. I am still sad. That has made this past week hard. I miss her so much.
Every day seems to get harder and harder. I feel like I am spirling.

Thank you to the person who left a comment on the last post. ❤

I am scared

Hey, it has been a while I know. A lot has happened since I last posted. Such as a new job and a new place to live.
I got a job in a call center. I moved closer to my new job. I'm trying to adjust to it all still.
It has been pretty scary not going to lie. I am not used to this still. The being alone and not knowing this area very well. I am trying to get better and explore what is around me.  I know where two Wal-marts are which is good. It's all within walking distance kinda. About 30 mins to and from. I do enjoy walking around this area.

Now to deal with being lonely I am going to be getting a pet soon. I was thinking of a cat. So I have someone to keep me company. I am also going to be getting into videogames. To help take my mind off things. Along with talking to a counselor. The reason behind that is one day while I was at work I got bad bad anxiety. Like everything was crashing down on me bad. So I downloaded Betterhelp to see if maybe this will help. I will also be better about posting new blog posts. I am thinking once a week. To see if maybe it will help calm my anxiety a bit.
I really dislike change. This change is very scary. I have to basically rebuild a home from nothing. So far my apartment does not feel like home. I hope that changes n the near future.

30 day's to get a life

30 Days to get an apartment. 30 days to figure out my life. All with hardly any money. I don't have any friends that I can crash with till I get back on my feet. I don't have anyone to talk to about finances. All I get is the same thing. Which is what I already know. To get a second job.
I feel very very alone in this. Some people just are not even close to being helpful. They just tell me what I am doing wrong.
Must admit that it is not helping mentally. I feel very stressed out and overwhelmed. This stress is making me eat my feelings. I can't wait for it to be over. I already requested tours for most of the ones I looked at. This Saturday I am going to apply to one and I am very nervous. Still can't wait for all this to be over.

I am spirling out of control

Its almost 10 and I feel tired but, don't think I could sleep. Too many thoughts and feelings are swirling around. These are just some of them...
* Sadness
* Anxiety
* Anger
* Tired
* Scared
They are all making it hard to live. Because I feel like I am failing at being an adult. Failing at life and failing myself. Growing up I always felt like I knew what I was doing or had a sense of direction. I knew the college I wanted to go to and what I wanted to do with my life. Now I know my career path but, I don't know if I will make it. I can hardly tell who I am as a person. Now I'm unsure. I am constantly changing. Yet I am too busy or sad and lazy to get to know myself. That to me is scary. I am unsure if I will be able to live by myself. What if I get overwhelmed? What if I get a panic attack? 
That is another thing. My anxiety is getting much much worse. Yet I am getting really good at faking being happy with myself and where I am. Yes, I am trying to better my situation. Like to acquire a second job and find an apartment.  But, each day is harder than the last. Mentally hard.
I am going to get real for a second here and I will put a trigger warning here.
Most days I have a couple thoughts. 1. Why am I here? 2. I want to die. And 3. kill me. I don't know what I have these thoughts. They only have seemed to appear in the last couple of months. Oh and I have the thought " I hate myself"
Which is true I have hated myself for years. Hated my body. Hated that I am not smart enough. Feeling like I will never be good enough in life.

I am trying though. Trying to tell myself everything will be okay and we can get through this. Because we can. I just seem to be having a hard time at this moment in life. Just have to keep going.

Getting my life together

So yesterday I was home alone for a little while and I started thinking. I need to start making friends and gong out hand hanging with them. I need to start going out and going to like an art museum or something. Because while being alone is nice doing things alone outside the house is also nice.
I also need to get back into my studies. I fell into a depressed state and didn't do it in a month. This month is all about exploring and finding myself again. I am already getting back into crocheting and reading. I am also working on watching movies more. Especially the classics like Funny face and Gone with the wind. I downloaded the kindle app on my phone so I can start reading again. I will also be going and getting my library card soon so I can read actual books instead of just my phone. Too much screen time gives me a headache.
I made a list of things I want to try to do and see. Either alone or with a friend.
  Mostly this year is to just reinvent/be myself. I feel that going out will help with my anxiety and make feel like I can do anything and go almost anywhere.
While I am scared of what life is going to bring me I am also excited as well.
I know with my job I can talk with people now and hold a conversation. Which is good for me.
Because I was not able to do that before. So far this year and last couple of months last year I have grown a bit and am a bit more comfortable being myself.
This post feels like it's all over the place. Sorry about that.

I suck at adulting

It has been a hot minute since the last post. Here is what's new. I am still trying to adult. And that is hard. But, not as hard as I thought. Its just somethings I need to check off on a checklist.
Such as a second job and an apartment. Yesterday I applied to two different jobs. I hope I hear back from them.
Also this Friday I'm going to go out on my own and take an Uber to Wal-mart. I want to try and not be that person that is scared of the outside world you know? Going to try and be more of an independent woman. Cause that is what I am trying to be. I don't want to be so scared of the world anymore. I want to be able to do things and not almost be in tears.
So a week or so ago I went to a doctor's appointment on my own and I am going, to be honest. I was scared to be alone in a strange place. But, I was able to do it and it tuned out to not be that big of a deal.
I got this. Right?